Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 585(@200wpm)___ 468(@250wpm)___ 390(@300wpm)
“Queer as Folk,” Will cuts in, his small smile fizzling away.
He remembers. Of course he remembers. And if I put aside the years of our marriage and return to that teenage boy, all I feel is sadness. I should’ve done more. Or less depending on how I look at it.
But that time has passed now, and we’re here. I need to keep going. “When I saw you together at the cottage, you and Laurence… The way you looked at him, you looked to be in such pain. I knew what that pain was. I felt it. I knew it was because you couldn’t touch him. Couldn’t afford to smile too long when he looked at you. Couldn’t hold his hand instead of mine. That week, I saw you pretending, really pretending for the first time.”
Somewhere hidden in the deepest depths of my heart, a tiny piece of me hopes for him to disagree.
“You never said anything…”
As that tiny piece breaks away with all the rest, I mutter, “No,” and let the first tear fall. Quickly, I wipe it away. Sit up straight. “I don’t think I would’ve ever been the first one to say anything, Will. In fact, it makes me feel quite ashamed that I think I could have carried on hoping, pretending just like you, forever if I had to.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh, Will. It’s time to stop now. Don’t you see? You’re not that kid anymore. You don’t need to carry everyone’s blame on your shoulders. Not everything is your fault. In this instance, this marriage, you fucked up…but so did I.”
Pushing away from the table, he stands up, rubs at his face. “How? By loving me!”
“Yes! Because that love made me selfish. It made me want to keep you all for myself because I loved you so much I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. But I only feared my own pain. I didn’t even think about what I was denying you in the process.”
“Becca, you gave me everything,” he says, his voice desperate like a plea as he sits back down. He reaches for my face, his thumb mopping a tear from my cheek.
I clamp his hand with mine, lowering it to the table. I have to get this out. I fear it might kill me, but I know with everything I am I have to do it. “Except the opportunity to love.”
“I do love you. How many times do I need to say it?”
“No, Will. Enough now. The lies, the denial, it has to stop.”
“I’m not lying to you anymore, Becca.”
“You’re lying to yourself. I know you care. I even know that you love me. But the love I’m talking about…it’s a different kind of love. It’s a love I’ve been lucky enough to have for all these years. And you deserve it, Will. You deserve to love wildly and terrifically and unapologetically. You deserve to feel butterflies taking flight in the pit of your stomach, for your heart to race and your nerves to prickle at the mere sound of a name. You should know how it feels to introduce someone you love completely to a room full of people, because that’s a whole other level of pride and, God, it feels good, Will. I want that for you. I do.”
Even if it kills me.
His eyes glaze over. His chin quivers. Our eyes are locked. “W-what are you saying, Becs?”
“I’m asking you, again, if you love him. If you love Laurence Cole with that different kind of love?”
He breathes out a sigh, head dropping. “I…I don’t know him. Like you said, I—”
“I was hurting and desperate and scared when I said those things.”
“And you’re not now?”
Oh, Will. Of course I am. “Do you love him, Will?”
His breath releases with a judder, and the glass coating his eyes spills onto his cheeks. “Yes,” he says, the word cracking on his tongue. “But it’s too late. It’s been weeks. We’ve moved on.”
I can hardly breathe as I squeeze his hand. I bring it to my lips, kiss his knuckles, inhale the scent of him. I know I must do it, despite the sensation of a thousand knives entering my chest. I’ve kept him for too long. My turn is over now.
I love you, William. I love you with everything I am. I love you with that different kind of love.
“He hasn’t.”
“What?” Will’s head shakes as he blinks fresh tears from his eyes.
“There’s something I need to tell you. The real reason I asked you here tonight.”
I breathe in. I breathe out. The world continues to turn even though my heart is breaking inside my chest.
I’m setting you free.
Chapter Twenty
Laurence
Yesterday…
If I get one more text from Andy, I’m going to microwave my fucking phone. I get it. I’ve got reshoots in two weeks, a charity gala next month, and I’m doing a circuit of radio interviews in December. Fucking December. Two months away. Why’s he up my arse about it now? I reckon something’s eating him and he’s using work as a way to get me to press for details. If I was a better friend, maybe I would. Turns out I’m a piece of shit who’d rather wallow in his own self-pity than take on my manager’s problems.