Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 116708 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 584(@200wpm)___ 467(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116708 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 584(@200wpm)___ 467(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
I swallowed hard. “I know that too. It’s taken a lot of time, and I think I’ll always feel responsible, but it’s manageable now.”
“Yeah, well, it could have been manageable without you kicking me to the curb for”—she lifted her hand in a pair of air quotes—“making you feel better.”
“You needed to grieve, not take care of me.”
“What I needed was my husband,” she fired back.
“I know, but I couldn’t be that man for you. I died over there, Gwen. Not physically, but part of me never came back. And then when I got home…it didn’t feel so unbearable with you. And that was not something I was ready for. I felt like a monster, and you coddled me like a child. All your hugs and kisses and reassurances.”
Tears filled her eyes, anger being replaced by rejection. “Then why didn’t you tell me that? I would have stopped.”
“Because you weren’t doing anything wrong. Please hear me when I say this. You were the most incredible wife any man could have asked for. Strong and steadfast. Patient and understanding. You did everything right. But I wasn’t ready for that. Up until a few weeks ago, I still didn’t think I was ready.” I dipped forward, brushing my nose with hers. “But then you came to me after Folly showed up. I acted like a horse’s ass that day, but you kept the booth. For me.”
Her breath hitched, and her tongue snaked out to dampen her lips. “I could tell it was important to you.”
“It is. Do you remember that big winter storm, when I drove up to make sure the old generator was working because I was scared the power was going to go out and you guys would freeze to death while I was hundreds of miles away?”
She silently nodded.
“I promised the boys burgers, but the power was out, so they served us club sandwiches instead.” The memory pinched my chest, but she was too close for it to cause any real pain.
Understanding hit her face, and she fisted the front of my shirt. “Oh, God. You sat there with them?”
“I’ve been coming here for years and sitting in that booth to torture myself. One hour. I’d allow the memories to shred me. I’d see their faces. Hear their voices.” I leaned away to catch her eye before finishing. “All of them.”
Her lids fluttered shut in a pained understanding. “Truett, that’s just torture.”
“That’s exactly why I did it. I needed to hurt.” The confession burned my throat. “But then you showed up and I can’t do it anymore. I come here. I sit down. I try to let the past devour me. And then I look at you and everything just…gets quiet. I was completely freaked out at first. Pissed that you’d stolen something so rightfully mine. But if I’m being honest, when we’re together, the only penance I ever want to pay is to you. So yeah, Gwen. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I stood there, staring into her eyes, knowing I’d only given her half of the story when it came to that booth, but I wasn’t sure she’d ever be ready for the rest. I wished like hell I could forget it on a damn near daily basis.
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. “This is crazy, Truett. I spent eighteen fucking years without you. And you’re telling me I lost the love of my life over a miscommunication?”
“No. I lost the love of my life over a miscommunication. You lost me the day you kissed me goodbye in front of the barracks. I wasn’t the same man who came home, and then everything just got so much fucking worse.” I laughed without humor. “This may come as a surprise, but I’m still not okay. I don’t know that okay even exists for me anymore. In the name of transparency, you need to know that I’m convinced I’m cursed. Everybody I love dies. And yes, deep down, I know it’s not real, but I’m still terrified to have you back in my life. But I have no idea how to let you go again, either.”
Conflict danced across her face, her long lashes fluttering as she stared at me, incredulous. “And there it is.”
“What?”
“You’re already planning to let me go again.”
I shook my head adamantly. “No, I’m not.”
She shoved at my chest. “Yes, you are. You just said you have no idea how to let me go again. Why is that always a fucking option for you?”
I held her tight, unwilling to release her and prove her right. “It’s not. I never wanted to leave you.”
“But you did!” she roared, the pain in her voice searing through me. “You shut me out, Truett. I could have helped you. Dammit, I wanted to help you.”
“No one could help me. I would have just dragged you down with me. I wasn’t going to force you into a lifetime of misery right alongside me.”