Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 87940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
When I end the call, I say, “I was going to do that this morning.”
“Sure you were,” Brienne says as she rinses plates and places them in the dishwasher. “Just like I’m sure you were going to brush your hair at some point today.”
I rake my fingers through my long locks and try to remember when I last ran a brush through it. I washed it last night when I showered, but I went straight to bed and didn’t even bother combing out the tangles.
I sullenly refuse to reply, instead leveling an attack. “Why are you here? I’m in the middle of my workday and really don’t have time to chat.”
“Tough shit,” she says, rinsing her hands and drying them on a towel. “You can’t shut everyone out and not expect me to show up. Your brother is beside himself because you’re not responding to his texts and—”
“I’m responding.”
“Thumbs-up and smiley-face emojis don’t count,” she says, rolling right over me. “And you won’t return my calls, so how can you be surprised I’m here?”
“I’ve been busy with work,” I mutter, pushing up out of my chair and moving to the fridge. I grab a bottle of water.
I expect her to call bullshit on me again, but she grabs the doughnuts and coffee and carries them to the table. I grit my teeth when she closes my laptop and nods at the chair. “Come eat some doughnuts.”
I’ve been in such a crappy mood for going on five days straight, I almost grumble that I don’t want her doughnuts, but truthfully… I’m hungry. My appetite returned yesterday, but I haven’t had any motivation to go to the grocery store.
With a huff, I plop into one of the chairs and pull out a chocolate-frosted pastry. Nibbling at it, I stare at her. I know she’s here to talk, but I’m going to make her work for it.
Brienne ignores the doughnuts but takes the top off one of the coffees, blowing across the steaming java, which sends the delicious fragrance my way. I break immediately and take the other coffee.
“How are you doing physically?” she asks, her tone clinical… almost shrewd.
“Good, actually,” I admit. “The spotting is almost gone and I haven’t had any cramping at all since the D&C.”
Brienne nods with a soft smile. Happy my body is feeling okay and I’m sure happy to see me be able to say D&C without crying.
Truth of the matter, the swirling emotions ranging from grief to anger to regret to confusion had a solid hold on me for the first three days, but that’s mostly gone. Only anger was left behind. I came out of the fog and… my life was back the way it was before I ever met Bain. Except now, I know what it’s like to have Bain, and I mean have all of him—heart, body, mind—and now I don’t.
I’m mad at him and I’m mad at myself, but I’m not sure either of us is actually to blame. In addition to the anger, I feel lost. Like I don’t even know who I am or what I want.
“Why are you hiding yourself away from everyone who loves you?” she asks.
That actually hurts. Because yes… I’ve been ignoring both Drake and Brienne and that’s not fair to them. I know how worried they are.
But it hurts more because Bain hasn’t reached out. Not that I would lump him in with people who “love” me, but I thought he would check in.
I mean… he did. Texted me the morning after he left to see how I was feeling. I told him I was fine and that was that.
He didn’t text again.
Didn’t call.
And God help me, I’m angry about it, even though I’m the one who told him to leave. I drop the doughnut onto the table and rub my aching temple. I’ve cried a lot this week, which has left me with a perpetual headache.
My gaze lifts to Brienne. “There’s a good chance I’m very fucked up in the head.”
I get a soft smile of understanding. “You’ve had a hard week, Kiera. It would fuck up anyone’s head. Losing a baby… I can’t even imagine so I’m not sure—”
“See,” I blurt out, “I’m not sure that’s really driving things for me. I mean, yes… it was awful having the miscarriage. I wouldn’t wish that on my mortal enemy. It was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me… just watching that life fade out and I had no control over it. But…” My words trail off as I try to compose my thoughts. It’s tough for me to admit this. “I don’t know that I’m grieving the loss of the pregnancy anymore.”
Brienne nods as if she understands. “You weren’t trying to get pregnant. It wasn’t something you wanted in your life at this time, so it makes sense the loss wouldn’t be the same as if you were trying to get pregnant.”