Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
“Okay…that makes me really happy, you know that, right?” Her hold on me tightened as though she was afraid I’d pull away and she was ready to put up a fight. “You guys are meant for each other, and there’s nothing in the world I want more than the two of you together, but it’s not that easy. You can’t be there for Gage, can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with him, if you don’t take care of yourself too. Being with Gage again is only a Band-Aid if you don’t do the rest of the work.”
I drew circles on her hand with my finger. “I know. Darrel said the same thing. I don’t…” I shook my head, tried not to let myself cry again. “I need to do something, but I’m not sure how.”
“Oh, Joey.” She got up and sat on my lap, wrapped her arms around me and let go, let loud, aching cries rip from her chest that she’d clearly been holding in for years. They were tears for me, for who I’d become and what I’d put her through. I tried not to hate myself for that, but I couldn’t, not yet.
I held her, rubbed her back, told her I was sorry and that I loved her. Mouse didn’t cry long; it wasn’t how she worked. She wiped her tears, then pushed to her feet. “I’ll be right back.” A few minutes later she came out with a laptop, paper, and a pen. “You and I are going to research therapists in the area and see what we can find.”
No! screamed in my head, but all I said was, “Okay.”
We spent an hour looking up therapists we thought might be good with what I’d been through. My pulse sped up with each possible name we took down. When Olivia woke up, I held her on my lap, and that helped. One day, I wanted her to look at me with pride. I wanted to be an uncle worthy of her love.
“Jesus, this is gonna be expensive. Most might not even take me without insurance.”
“You won’t be paying for it.”
“What? No. I can’t do that.”
Mouse sighed. “Yes, you can. You’re using that as an excuse. Let us help you. We love you so much, you and Gage both. Kev’s parents gave him a stupid amount of money, and there’s nothing we’d rather do than use it to help one of the people we love the most in the world.”
“I—”
“We can trade it for babysitting for the next…fifteen years? Really, you’d be doing us a favor.”
I looked at Olivia. My hands were holding her around her belly, her butt on my knee. She was facing me and bouncing and smacking my arm. She giggled her little baby giggle, and I couldn’t help leaning in and nuzzling her cheek, kissing her there. She made the word yes fall from my lips. “I’ll pay you back, though.”
“Sure, Joey. Whatever you need.”
It was too late in the day to call the offices; they had all closed by then. When I left, she made me promise I would do it the next day.
I didn’t want to, almost talked myself out of it, but then the following morning Gage walked over to where I stood in his kitchen, put a hand on my hip and kissed me before heading to the shower. That simple, perfect moment made me ache. I wanted to keep it, hold it as tight as I could, even though this quiet voice kept asking, What if you lose him again? What if he leaves you?
I grabbed my cell, went outside, and made a call.
I had my first appointment set for a month later.
PART FOUR
Who We Fight to Become
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Gage
It was a Saturday, so I was off but Joey was at work. He’d been at my place every day the past couple of weeks. We were in this weird place at the moment where we just enjoyed being together, telling ourselves everything was okay. We didn’t talk about what we were to each other, the future, or the past. We were happy, but this was a holding ground for happiness, one we knew couldn’t last, but we pretended it could.
Well, mostly. Jojo had made an appointment with a therapist. I was so damn proud of him for that, for moving forward, even though it also made me feel like I was doing something wrong because I had yet to do the same.
There was a knock at the door and I opened it, knowing it would be Darrel. It wasn’t as if I ever had anyone else coming over other than him or Jojo.
“Hey. Since your man is gone, I thought you might want to head to the gym with me?”
“Yes, actually. Thank you. I’ve been driving myself crazy all day. I’ll be ready in a minute.” I couldn’t help but notice I’d been antsy lately, this foreign anxiety always simmering beneath the surface. It was strange how I could be so happy, so good at pretending, yet always scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop.