Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
My feet carried me to him. Without saying a word, I took the smoke from his fingers, put it to my lips and inhaled, then held it to his to do the same.
We stood there like that, smoking the rest of it. When I snubbed it out, Joey was already walking toward the casita.
Was he going to do it? Was he going to walk away just when I realized what I needed to do?
His eyes had been ringed red, and there was a deep pain to him. I could see it and feel it, knew it reflected in me.
When I closed the door behind us, he asked, “Where were you?”
I rubbed a hand over my face, needing something to do. “I, um…went to see Micah.”
Surprise flashed in his eyes.
He walked over to me. His hands were warm and firm on my hips, holding me like he was afraid to let go. He rested his forehead against my shoulder. It was our thing—forehead to forehead or this way. “Gage…you know I love you, right? There’s nothing I want more than to be with you.”
I closed my eyes, my brain and heart trying to pack it up and take a journey to long-lost lands where I wouldn’t be able to hear Joey tell me we needed a break, that we weren’t good for each other. “I know.” My voice cracked. I reached over and held him too. “It’s okay, Jojo. Whatever you have to say is okay. If you need some space to figure shit out… I need to as well and—”
His head jerked up at that. “You want to break up with me?”
“What? No. Never. I just want what’s best for you. I didn’t want you to feel bad.”
“You said you need to as well.”
“I meant figure stuff out, because I do, but not the space part. I…” My hands dropped, and I stepped away. I fisted my hair, paced the room, found tears I thought had all dried up or been cried out in Micah’s office. “I don’t know how to do this, Joey. Help me. Help me figure out how to do this.”
“Hey, what is it? What’s wrong? Whatever it is, we’ll get through it.”
My knees were weak. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I was tired, so damn tired of fighting so damn long to keep myself on my feet. I managed a few steps back, bumped into the wall and slid down it, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “I don’t know how to forgive myself, not for any of it. For my dad drinking away his life, getting stuck with a kid he never wanted; for not being smart enough to even know how to keep words in my head—”
“You’re not—”
I held up my hand to stop him. It didn’t matter if Joey or the people who helped in prison said I wasn’t stupid or that my disability wasn’t my fault. I felt that way. Changing that was something I hadn’t yet figured out how to do.
“I can’t seem to forgive myself for not being there for Herbert, for hurting you, for killing your father. I just keep going, keep trying to hold on to whatever little slice of happiness I can find that offers a brief reprieve from all the pain, all the self-hate. I just keep loving you and hoping my love for you will make me love myself too, but it’s not working, Joey.”
And then he was there, warm and familiar, arms wrapped around me, his scent mixed with the cigarette we’d just smoked.
“No, Gage. You have nothing to hate yourself for. You’re all heart. You’re everything good in this world.” He kissed my forehead. “So many bad things have happened to us, but we’re here. We’re still standing, even if our legs shake when we do it.”
“We’re not standing right now,” I tried to joke, but neither of us laughed.
“We have to find a way to let go of the past, to put it behind us. It’ll never go away, but we’re letting it rule our lives. It’s why I’m scared to move in with you, why I can’t accept that we might really, truly be happy. You need to do it too. We need to find a way past it. I need to be strong for me and not just you, no matter how much I love you, and God, Gage, there is no one in this world who deserves love more than you.”
We cried there like that, huddled together, hot tears mixing, me tasting his and he mine. We were one in this like we were in so many ways.
Joey loved the stars, and I thought maybe it was because our future had been mapped out there—two boys, Joey and Gage, whose lives were destined to be entwined since the beginning of time. If anyone else would have said something like that, I would have laughed it off. I didn’t believe in destiny or soul mates, but there was nothing I believed in more than Joey and me, so if that was the answer, I’d believed it.