Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83461 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83461 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Except I can’t fucking concentrate, and I’m seriously concerned that I might be broken. Hockey has always been the most important thing in my life. It cost me my marriage, after all.
But all I can think about is Ava and the fact that I pushed her away. She didn’t fucking deserve that. In truth, it made me no better than her ex-douche Derek because we both selfishly put ourselves first.
And yet, I couldn’t fucking help myself. To say I’m all up in my head is an understatement. I have no clue when exactly I screwed up, but I know it started festering after Connie’s visit.
She drummed up all the old guilt I’d felt for failing Melissa and my marriage, as well as renewed anger over losing my hockey career to take care of her. It was more than anger… Connie’s failure to give me even an ounce of credit started something ugly brewing inside me.
A renewed affirmation that I’ve been wise to hold myself back from anything serious, and self-loathing for letting myself weaken where Ava was concerned. She wasn’t wrong when she said my actions didn’t match my words. I had set the boundaries and then little by little—as she called it—I kept erasing them.
By the time Connie rolled into town, I was having some pretty deep feelings for Ava. I had opened up my narrow world and let her in. Not only did I let her in, but I enjoyed the direction our relationship was going. She was important to me, and I’d given her every reason to think we were progressing.
I’m ashamed to admit, but I canceled that dinner simply because I needed to pull back, and I knew it would send a message. What I hadn’t counted on was her calling me on the carpet for it. I stupidly thought she’d go back to accepting what I was willing to give.
And it was stupid because Ava would never fall for that shit. She’s been through too much, has made a new life for herself, and she’s done it through pure strength of will.
I know what I want, and I know, without a doubt, that I’m not willing to go backward. I deserve better than that.
Those words hit hard because she deserves so much better than what I gave her.
A knock interrupts the rotating thoughts bouncing around my brain, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I need a break from them.
Crossing the room, I swing the door open to find Baden. “What’s up?” I ask as I step back for him to enter.
“Just checking in,” he says.
I close the door and follow him into the main living area of the suite. I rub my hand over the back of my neck and gesture toward the laptop. “Was going to go through some more video clips.”
“Why?” he asks, turning to face me.
“You know… in case I missed something.”
“You didn’t miss anything, Cannon. You’re more on top of this team than any coach I’ve ever worked with or under.”
“Yeah, but as the head coach, I’m responsible for everything. It makes me feel better to do all the double- and triple-checking.”
“Does it make you feel better about doing the best job possible as a coach or because it keeps you insulated from dealing with other things?”
The hair on my neck prickles from the challenge in his voice, yet he just smiles at me, hands tucked casually in his pockets.
“What are you talking about?” I ask hesitantly.
“Oh, I think you know.” Baden moves to the small sofa and sits, propping an ankle on the opposite knee.
My jaw locks. “Why don’t you enlighten me?”
“I can’t figure out if you’re being obtuse or just blissfully ignorant,” he drawls.
“You do know I can fire you?” I grit out.
Baden shrugs. “Maybe, but I doubt you’d do it. You’re an upstanding guy and won’t penalize me for giving you some truths you’re apparently not seeing on your own.”
“I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone,” I mutter, pulling out the desk chair and plopping into it. “You’re obviously here to talk about Ava.”
“I was a little shocked when you told me you two had broken up.”
“Well,” I say, holding out my arms, “shit happens.”
“Dude, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you don’t care.” His eyes bore into mine. “Because I know you do.”
“Caring’s not the problem.”
I don’t say anything else, and he tries to wait me out, but I don’t want to talk about this.
“Okay, if caring isn’t the problem, that means you care for her. Yet you broke up. I guess she didn’t care for you, then.”
“She cared.” My stomach rolls. She cared far more than I deserve.
“I see… you weren’t attracted to her anymore.”
“I was totally—” I stop because I see what he’s doing.
“Oh, I get it,” he drawls with a smirk. “She was done with you. Tossed you aside and hurt your feelings.”