Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 81162 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 406(@200wpm)___ 325(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81162 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 406(@200wpm)___ 325(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, a solemn expression in his eyes. “Yes…I wish it could stay this way forever.”
11
Hades
My son shared most of my likeness. He was too young for his features to be concrete, but I could tell he would have my warm eyes, my olive skin, and a rugged jawline the ladies would like.
One thing we didn’t have in common was sleep.
This guy could sleep all day and all night.
Most of the time, I was awake at three a.m.
When I thought of babies, I imagined these blobs of people shitting in diapers all day and crying nonstop. I never had an affinity for children and found them to be a nuisance. But I felt entirely differently toward my own son.
He was the coolest person in the world.
When he was awake, he stared at me with fascination. Sometimes, he would reach his hand out to grab me, to explore me. But a part of me believed he somehow knew exactly who I was. Sofia gave me a beautiful baby boy, and I felt so much gratitude the likes of which I’d never felt before. I’d only loved one person my whole life.
But I loved this guy even more.
I spent the next few days helping Sofia care for the baby so she could rest and recuperate. I also took advantage of the time to get to know my son. He was mostly just a doll wrapped in blankets, but our staring contests were intriguing nonetheless.
Sofia and I stopped having sex because the doctor said intercourse wasn’t an option for many weeks. But I still held her tightly throughout the night. I still kissed her as if I never wanted to stop. Knowing she was the mother of my child made me fall in love with her in a whole new way.
Sofia was trying to get some sleep, and Andrew wouldn’t stop crying. I attempted to feed him, but he wasn’t hungry. I changed his diaper, but it was already new. I eventually took him into the nursery and rocked him in the chair in the hope he would calm down and drift off to sleep.
He never closed his eyes, but he did stop crying.
Now he stared at me in the dark while Sofia slept in the other room.
I knew I had to leave soon. I’d probably stayed far too long as it was. Maddox would grow frustrated with me, and the last thing I needed was for him to appear on the doorstep to fetch me himself.
So I had to go.
But when I looked down at this beautiful boy, I didn’t want to leave. “I’m sorry, son. I have to leave…and I won’t be seeing you as much as I’d like. I’m just trying to protect you, and I’m not sure how to do that by staying here.”
He hung on to every word as if he could understand what I was saying.
“I love your mother very much, and I loved you the moment I felt you kick. But you and I live in different worlds. I don’t expect you to understand that. Even as a grown man, you may never understand.” The time I’d spent here for the last few weeks had brought me such joy. But once I was in Florence, that joy would turn into despair, the kind of despair that would swallow me whole.
I wanted to be a husband and a father, but I knew I never could be. Sofia would never be mine again, and I would just be a ghost that drifted in and out. I would have to stand by and watch Sofia love someone else. I would have to watch my son get more attached to his stepfather than he ever would to me. That didn’t sound so bad a few weeks ago, but now that I’d met this little boy, I knew it was insufferable.
I would live a life full of regret…every single day.
I would never be the father who went to all the football games and watched him try on his suit for prom. I would never be a good role model for him, a father who would be there at times and not at others. I was a liability to both him and Sofia. I could do nothing beneficial for either one of them.
Their lives would be better without me.
And every time I would see him, it would just hurt more…and more.
Could I do that?
Could I come over for a visit and shake Sofia’s husband’s hand?
Could I listen to my son call him dad?
Could I watch some stranger have everything that should be mine?
I was lost in my son’s eyes when my phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw the name I despised. I took the call and kept my voice low. If I ignored him, he would just appear at an even worse time. “I’ll leave tomorrow.” I wasn’t ready to go, but I didn’t want to argue for my freedom either. It was easier just to settle.