Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 110671 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 443(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 110671 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 443(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
“Oh God.” Gray put a hand over his stomach and shook his head. “How can I fix this? How can I be what he needs when I’m not what I need?”
Darius had no response to that.
Contradicting his desire to turn around and hide with the kid forever, Gray continued driving farther north. Darius fell asleep when the first light touched the horizon, but Gray just drove. Temporary solution, Darius had said. Reassurance. Well, Gray could promise visits. Maybe they could set up some structure in the unknown.
As Gray drove them into the forests of Oregon, he checked the rearview every few minutes. He was happy that Jayden had gotten a good night’s rest, but he was beginning to worry about the boy’s reaction when he learned how quickly they were approaching Washington.
Would he shut down? Was he resigned? Had he ever entertained the idea of maybe Gray keeping him? The kid was hardly one who lived on hope, and he’d never really experienced enough good things to dare dream. At least, that was what Gray suspected.
On the other hand, if Gray had been in Jayden’s shoes, he would’ve hoped for many things.
If he was being honest, he wanted to be the one who took Jayden in. He wanted to watch Jayden grow up. He wanted to be there for him. He wanted Jonas’s soul at peace, knowing that his little brother was cared for.
“Fuck,” he whispered to himself and ran a hand through his hair.
Now he could understand his mother’s worry when he’d been little. His dreams had been larger than life. He knew from an early age that he was going to marry a terrific guy and have many children.
Reality wasn’t that simple. When Gray became a teenager, Mom explained to him about prejudice. When he became legal, he started looking into different types of adoption alternatives for the future. He read the requirements and spent weeks feeling depressed. Mom had comforted him, assuring him that, one day, Gray would be the perfect father to someone. Or several someones—but that the road was long.
Understatement of the year. Other than his sexuality making it more difficult to adopt, he had to be financially independent, preferably married, and have a successful career. Oh, and the kicker. While having a good job that provided a steady influx of cash, he had to be able to stay at home for long periods—if it was necessary. Such as adjustment periods and whatnot. Who could do that? For millions of parents across the country, all it took was a broken condom.
It wasn’t fair.
Since then, Gray had come to terms with the fact that he’d never have a big family. And, frankly, as the man he was today, that was okay. Everything had changed. But his attachment to Jayden wasn’t any less real, and he still adored children. Handing one over to a shelter felt entirely wrong.
Having no choice was even worse.
His only alternative was to hide, and that was no way to live. Not for him, and not for Jayden.
Gray caught movement in the rearview and saw that Jayden was stirring. Maybe he’d wake up soon.
Okay, structure. Reassurances. Adeline had promised to keep Jayden off any records for the time being. She’d done it before—sometimes for several months. It was a time frame, at least. Something to work with.
Visits were a given. Gray had made Jayden a deal about a five-dollar allowance, and he intended to keep it. They’d have to decide activities to do together, something that belonged to them. In short, they would carve out a space where they existed together while regulations and responsibilities kept them separated. And it was a responsibility for Gray to recover from his recent past. There was no other option. Because if he didn’t get better, he’d definitely never be what Jayden needed.
Gray took a deep breath and nodded to himself, and he realized his goal. His goal was to one day be that person for the boy.
There had to be a way.
The morning was the picture of the calm before the storm. They had breakfast on a gray beach; the seas were calm, the sand was dry, black cliffs shot up from the water here and there, and the forest behind them was quiet. But the storm clouds rolling in over the horizon were an angry obsidian against the white sky.
Darius knew Gray wanted to talk to Jayden, so he excused himself when they were done with their sandwiches. He grabbed the trash, lit up a smoke, and headed back to the car.
Jayden scrunched his nose and looked over his shoulder at where Darius was walking. Then he sniffed, his nose a bit runny, and shuddered. “It’s fucking cold.”
Gray ignored the cursing, removed his jacket, and parted his legs. “Come here.”
Jayden giggled and crawled over to sit between Gray’s legs. “Aren’t you cold?”