Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
And I realize I’m not the only one hurting.
The knowledge makes me draw a shuddering breath, but it’s just not enough. Oh God, Yuki. How could I have misread so much? How could I have believed he’d betray me so easily? A thousand different emotions threaten to make my heart explode, and countless words rush to my throat.
Please.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t know.
But in the end, all I can do is choke his name out—-
“Yuki.”
And somehow, it’s enough.
“You know.” His voice is flat.
You know. Two words. Such simple words, and yet all the painful things it encompasses is too much for any heart to bear—-
“Don’t you?”
Swallowing hard, I force myself to answer because it’s what he deserves. “Yes,” I whisper. “I know.”
Yes, I know you set the whole thing up with Elizabeth.
Yes, I know you didn’t betray me because you were tired of me.
Yes, I know you have always loved me – and I was too weak for that love.
“How?’
“My mom told Lace...”
“And Lace told you?” He gives me a humorless smile when I nod jerkily in response. “I’m surprised. She was always very protective of you.”
I shake my head. “It’s different now.” The look on his face says he doesn’t believe me, and I can’t even make myself blame him. “T-that’s why I’m here now. I want to talk. I want to—-”
“Ruin your life over me again?”
Yuki’s savage tone makes me flinch, but more than that, it’s the look in his eyes that tears me apart. It’s telling me he believes every word, believes that he had ruined my life—-
And I can’t bear it.
“You didn’t ruin my life!” I don’t care if it’s years too late to realize this, years too late for him to care that I know the truth, but I need him to believe this. “You c-could never ruin my life. You’re the one who makes it better—-”
But my words only make him laugh, and it’s the most painful sound in the world. It’s as if he doesn’t make himself laugh, he’d end up breaking—-
And the sight of a broken god is heartbreaking.
“Can we please talk—-”
“What for? Closure?” he jeers. “Because if that’s what you came for, you should know closure’s fucking overrated.”
“I just—-”
But Yuki doesn’t even let me finish. “Knowing the truth doesn’t change the past. Nothing can.” His tone turns vicious. “So if that’s all you came for, then you wasted both our time.” The way he looks at me, the way he speaks—-
He may be right when he says that knowing can’t change the past, but it can change something else.
If I didn’t know what I know now, his cruelty would have simply made me leave.
If I didn’t know what I know now, I’d never have seen beyond his mask, never have realized that everything he’s doing to hurt me...is ripping him apart.
Oh God.
It’s happening again.
People hurting themselves because they love me—-
My fists clench against my sides.
But I can change that, too, can’t I?
When Yuki starts to speak again, I shake my head, stammering, “N-no more.” I force myself to meet his gaze again. “You can keep acting like an arse, but it w-won’t make me leave.”
“A masochist now, are you?” Yuki sneers.
But I just keep shaking my head. “No m-matter what you say, I won’t leave—-”
“If words won’t work, then how about I bring another girl and fuck her in front of you again?”
My head jerks up, and I feel my face losing blood when he smiles like he meant every word.
“Is that enough to make you leave?”
I watch him reach for his phone, and I tell myself it’s just an act. That he’s only being cruel for my sake—-
“Stick around for the show then.”
Yuki starts scrolling on his screen, and I remind myself feverishly that it’s all an act. It always is.
“You know I’ve never had any trouble with people watching me—-”
But when he switches the call to loudspeaker, and I hear a girl’s voice answer from the other end of the line, I realize there are things that will always hurt even if you know it’s done out of love.
“Stop.”
Yuki’s face hardens.
The girl on the phone is still talking. “Moshi moshi? Alexei?”
His lips start to move, and my eyes close.
I can do this.
A lone tear rolls down on my cheek.
I can do this.
“Fuck.”
My eyes fly open just in time to see Yuki throw the phone against the wall in a loud thud.
“Y-Yuki—-”
“Shut up.” His voice is low and violent. Another tear rolls down my cheek, and he curses anew. “Damn you. Damn you. DAMN YOU.” But he’s saying the words like he’s the one who’s damned, and when he speaks again—-
“Why can’t you just leave?”
I realize it’s true.
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
His voice has become dull, the violence of earlier nothing but a sham—-
“You’re supposed to be half a world away.”
And now, all that’s left is pain, the kind you’ve lived for so long you end up taking it with you in your dreams and waking up next to it in bed.