Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
I tell her how rage, hatred, and sadness eat at me until I can't think through them. How I channel all that destructive emotion into my job, taking it out on assholes who terrorize and ruin just because they can.
And I tell her how, every single damn day I spent living amongst them, I felt a little bit more like them and a little bit less like me.
I tell her how much I miss her and how the memory of her is the only thing that's kept me alive. When I was dying in a bar or on the street, in some back alley with the stench of trash in my nose and grit and grime covering me, I thought about her. When I wanted to let the pain take me, let myself bleed out from my injuries, so I didn't have to get up again…I'd see her beautiful face and find the willpower to crawl back from the brink.
I talk until my voice fades, and my throat aches, purging myself of a lifetime of regret and misdeeds. I know she probably can't hear me and that I'll have to tell it all over when she wakes up, but telling her feels good. Getting it out for once instead of bottling it all up and letting it fester feels…peaceful.
Nurses come and go as I talk, but I don't stop. They work around me, not interrupting. If they're horrified by what I confess to my girl, they don't show it. They just shut up and let me ramble about my life until I've put it all out there.
"You have to survive, little monster," I tell her then, "because I need you in my life. I've needed you since you were four years old, and let me carry you everywhere. I'll always need you. You give me hope. When you're in my arms, I feel like I can do anything, even shit I know I shouldn't do. I need you because you ground me. You're the only fucking thing on this planet that keeps my ass in line. Ask Ames if you don't believe me. He's been trying for years to teach me manners and shit, but I never listened to him because he wasn't you, and you're the only person I've ever listened to."
A nurse chuckles as she replaces the IV bag, but I don't even look at her.
"You gotta get better, and I don't just mean from this," I whisper to my girl, stroking her silky hair. "I know you're hurting. Losing Titan and your mom is always going to hurt, but they would want you to live, baby girl. They loved you so much, and I know they would want you to be happy and do good shit with your life. So you gotta fight. I'll be there with you, and when you can't fight anymore, when the blackness is too heavy, I'll fight for you. But you have to come back to me, sweetheart. Please come back to me."
I press my lips to her forehead and then to her cheeks. Like her hand, her face is cool to the touch, but I know my girl is in there. She was born in the cold and she'll be reborn in it. It forged her spine in steel and I know it'll do the same this time too. Right here in this bed.
I press my lips to her ear. "I love you, baby girl. Come back to me."
After that, I sit there for a long time, just watching over her. For some reason, the nurses don't kick me out. I know visits are supposed to be short in ICU, but they don't tell me I need to beat feet and get out of their way. One brings me a glass of water. A little bit later, someone else brings me a sandwich. They all smile at me.
It's strange.
I'm covered in tattoos, scars, and January's blood, but they all smile at me like I'm normal. No one gives me the side-eye or talks down to me like my tattoos mean I'm too stupid to comprehend shit. Maybe they feel bad for me. I don't know. But it's nice to be surrounded by normal people who don't look at me like I'm beneath them. That doesn't happen often.
"I love you," I murmur to January as the sun rises outside. "I'm going to let Mariah come back here to see you for a while, but I'll be back. I'm not leaving this hospital until you do."
Even after telling her I'm going to let Mariah come back to see her, I can't seem to leave her side. I'm afraid I'll leave the room, and something will happen. I need to be here in case she needs me.
"She'll be okay," an elderly nurse tells me, stepping up beside the bed. She rearranges the covers over my girl and then pats her hand and gives her a grandmotherly smile. "We'll take care of your January for you, Agent Kincaid. She's already doing better. Her vitals are stronger."