Total pages in book: 49
Estimated words: 46152 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 231(@200wpm)___ 185(@250wpm)___ 154(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46152 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 231(@200wpm)___ 185(@250wpm)___ 154(@300wpm)
He was always guarded with his heart, but he showered me with gifts, and it was all a little overwhelming. Growing up, there was never any extra money. It never really bothered me until I was in high school. It was then my friends were getting cars when they turned 16 or brand-new dresses for prom or were able to go on fancy vacations while I stayed home in the summer and worked.
I met Beau when I was only 24, and when he spent money on me like it was no big deal, I felt loved. Even though now I realize that’s not what it was. It’s never been about love for Beau. At least on his side. For me, I fell hard and I fell fast. I saw the man behind the money, and even though I told him he didn’t have to spend money on me, he did anyway.
And when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I was so in love there’s no way I would have considered saying no. I wanted to be Mrs. Beau Blaze more than anything, and even if sometimes I wondered if he truly loved me, I thought he wouldn’t have asked me if he didn’t. So I told him yes, and we planned out the most beautiful wedding Whiskey Run had ever seen.
And now, only two years later, I know that I was wrong. Does Beau care about me? Yes, he does. Does he love me? No, he doesn’t. At this point, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need me either. We live completely separate lives, and the only time there is any intimacy between us is at night behind closed doors. And when that happens, I think that things are going to be different. He’s going to let his guard down and open his heart.
But the very next minute, when he refuses to cuddle or even hold me afterwards, I know that nothing has changed.
And I hate myself for it.
I thought it was enough and that I could keep going like we were.
I’ve settled for a marriage with hardly any intimacy, taking what I can get from him. Any amount of time he’ll give me, I’ve taken it. He bought me the gym I own downtown where I teach. He makes sure that I drive a new car. I have new clothes and jewelry and can do whatever I want to. He’s made it that I want for nothing, at least material-wise… but it’s not enough.
Because the truth is, I want more. I deserve more, and I’m not going to settle for anything less. Not anymore.
Everything he gives me is nice, but I can do without all of it because the only thing I truly want he can’t give me.
He has his heart guarded, and after two years of marriage, he hasn’t wavered at all. He’s held me at arm’s length, and no matter how hard I try or how much I want it, I can't get any closer.
I open the messaging app on my phone. It’s ridiculous to text him knowing he’s right inside, but this is the best way to get his attention. I could walk into his home office, but he wouldn’t even lift his head to look at me. He’d be completely focused on the computer screen in front of him, and I’d feel like I’m an intruder in my own home.
No, this is the way I need to do it. He may read it tonight or not until tomorrow, but I know I need to get it out. I type the words, taking a breath between each one. I want a divorce.
I stare at the black letters and try to imagine my life without Beau. It’s not any kind of life I want, but I need to do this.
I hit send and wait for relief, grief, or whatever it is to hit me. For just a minute, I panic. My heart races, I feel heat rush through my body, and I second-guess myself, but just as quickly, the feeling disappears, and in its place comes acceptance. I had to do this. I had to. Deep down, I know that I won’t be truly happy going on the way we are.
I lay the phone in my lap and lean my head back. Instead of looking up at the stars, I close my eyes and try to think about what I need to do next. And maybe there’s just a small part of me that hopes my husband is going to fight for me… for us.
Chapter 3
Beau
My phone buzzes, and instead of looking at it, I take my glasses off and rub my eyes. I worked all day at the office, came home and had dinner with Nat, and then excused myself to my office at the house. I’m caught up with the day, but there’s always something that I need to read or stay on top of. Maybe Nat and I could watch a television show tonight. We haven’t done that in a while.