Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 124005 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 620(@200wpm)___ 496(@250wpm)___ 413(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 124005 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 620(@200wpm)___ 496(@250wpm)___ 413(@300wpm)
“But you spent all that time together for the promo opportunities…” Ma seems to be just as confused as I am.
“Because he needed a babysitter.” Or he acted like he did.
“And he knew you would always show up,” Mom finishes.
“He’s been in love with me all this time, and I don’t match him yet. I thought I was falling for him. And now I never can. He said he can’t keep doing this. That it hurts too much to love me the way he does and know I don’t feel the same way.”
“Oh,” Ma says. “I see.”
“Is that true? You don’t love him?” Mom asks.
“I think I really actually do. I just couldn’t own those feelings, and what if I do own those feelings and down the line he realizes I’m too much for him?” I’m spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop. “Why would I let myself love him?”
“Oh my sweet, sweet Hemi. You’ve got that candy coating, but under that shell is a girl full of melty feelings.” Her expression is soft and knowing. “I think you need to start looking at yourself through a different lens. We picked you because you were clearly a fighter. All of us picked you. Your moms, your brothers, the Terror, your Badass Babe Brigade, Dallas. We chose you, and we will always keep choosing you. The way things started with you and Dallas may not have been conventional, but he keeps picking you. If he’s worthy of your heart, you can let yourself pick him, too.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Sometimes it is, sweetie. It’s just our trauma that makes it complicated. If you love him, then love him.”
“I love you both.”
“We love you, too, Hemi. With all our hearts.”
I spend the rest of the morning in bed crying. Shilpa messages at lunchtime, already aware of the breakup thanks to Ash. She was in meetings all morning, otherwise I know she would have been in touch earlier. She texts me twenty minutes later to tell me she and Hammer are standing outside my door with soup and won’t leave until they see me. Dragging myself out of bed is an epic feat. Heartbreak isn’t a good look for me.
Their eyes flare when I open the door to let them in.
“Oh God, you poor thing.” Hammer sets the takeout bag down.
My nose is red, my eyes are puffy, I’m sure I’m blotchy, and I’m wearing the smiling peaches hoodie Dallas bought me, despite it being September and not quite cool enough for it.
She and Shilpa open their arms, and I fall into them as I burst into tears all over again.
They hold me and let me sob. I’m grateful my roommate is on day shifts this week so I can wallow in the living room.
Hammer and Shilpa lead me to the couch and sit next to me. “I don’t understand why he broke up with you,” Hammer says.
I wish her shock made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It takes several minutes of sobbing and sucking in labored breaths before I can get myself together enough to explain. By the time I’m done, the coffee table is covered in used tissues.
“But…he’s obsessed with you. He’s more obsessed with you than Tristan is with Rix, and that’s saying something because that man is obsessed, all caps.”
Shilpa smiles sadly and squeezes my hand.
“He said he wasn’t the right guy for me.” I hiccup.
“What in the actual fuck?” Hammer’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why would he go to all this trouble to propose to you in an arena full of people and then tell you he’s not right for you? Do you want me to set up a birthday party promo op for him? I can make him do balloon animals again. Or sign him up for some kind of sauerkraut festival detail. Or both.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to do that to him.” I’ve tortured him enough for several lifetimes. Making him miserable now will just make me feel worse. And these lies are too much to carry around. Hiding the truth from my friends has been a weight I can’t bear anymore.
I look to Shilpa, who seems to read my thoughts. “Hammer is safe, and this is too much of a burden for you to carry around.”
So I tell Hammer the entire ugly truth.
She exhales on a low whistle. “Dallas could have been traded for that.”
“I know.”
“Which is why you went along with it—at first, anyway,” she muses.
I nod. “I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything.”
Her expression softens. “Don’t be sorry. I hid what was going on with Hollis for months, and Rix was getting railed by Tristan for weeks before we knew. You were protecting the team, and Dallas, and yourself.” She squeezes my hand. “I’m glad you at least had Shilpa and Ash to help you through this. And it won’t go any further than this room.”