Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 104448 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 522(@200wpm)___ 418(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104448 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 522(@200wpm)___ 418(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
I’d missed all of it.
Every milestone, from her first steps to the first time she called Katie “Ma-ma.” Learning she hated peas but loved green beans. Watching her figure out how to push a plastic lawn mower and seeing her little tongue stick out in concentration.
I knew I would get to see so many more of Lellie’s milestones than Katie ever would, and the realization stole my breath. The sheer loss overwhelmed me, both for my sake, since I wouldn’t be able to share the joy of our daughter with her, and for her sake, for missing all but fifteen months of Lellie’s precious life.
There were messages that made me feel seen as a single parent.
It’s me again. Today was a good day. I managed to get out of work early and surprised Lellie with a walk to the playground before dinner. She played so hard with the other toddlers that she fell asleep in her high chair before she finished her dinner.
Nights like these leave me with mixed emotions. On the one hand, it’s nice to have quiet time alone at home where I can sit in my pink chair and lose myself in a book. But on the other hand, I miss her when she’s sleeping and I’m awake and available to be with her. I feel guilty sometimes that she doesn’t get enough of me, and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by continuing to work. Between your money and mine, I could choose to take the next several years off to be with her full-time if I truly wanted to. Am I selfish to remain in my job? To want to continue to grow and nurture that part of me?
But then I imagine her as an older child, then a teen, and a young adult. What does that young woman need to learn from me? Wouldn’t I be a better example to her by showing her that a woman can pursue a fulfilling career and also be a loving and committed parent? Or am I falling into a cultural trap of thinking women need to “do it all”? Sometimes I wish I had a partner to talk these things through with.
I can talk to Renata, but she’s so young still…
As I clicked through the messages, photos, and videos, I completely forgot the reason Kenji had sent me away to read them.
Until I got to the one about Tully.
There had been many casual mentions of him in other messages. Photos of him in the hospital, holding Lellie awkwardly. Anecdotes about him bringing pork chops and asparagus for dinner one night when Lellie was four months old and innocently assuring Katie there was enough “for the baby to share.” A video of a Labor Day cookout, where Katie panned the phone camera to where Tully held Lellie on his hip while talking to someone else. She was reaching for his glass of wine, and he was holding it comically out of her reach while she continued to grab for it.
But then there was the email with a subject line that simply read: Tully.
Sometimes I watch him at work. He’s incredible at his job—smart, hard-working, and dedicated to taking care of his clients as if they were his own family. I love that about him. He also makes time for me and Lellie even though I know he’d much prefer to go to the clubs on a Saturday night.
It’s weird though. Something changed with him right around the time I got pregnant. I asked him about it, afraid motherhood has somehow put distance between us. He insisted it hasn’t. He told me how much he appreciates being part of Lellie’s life and how he couldn’t imagine his life without her.
He’s a good man, Dev. The best. I’m so lucky to have him in my life and in our daughter’s.
He told me about you… about that night. He didn’t mention any details, but he said the two of you had hooked up. I didn’t press him on it, but there was something different about the way he talked about you. Softer? Was he blushing? I don’t know. Maybe he was just hot since it’s August in Dallas for fuck’s sake the love of Pete.
(That’s me trying to get a handle on not using so many cuss words. It’s not easy cleaning the eff-word out of my vocabulary! I can just imagine Lellie showing up to school one day after the Cowboys lose and repeating bad words she learned watching the game with my co-workers.)
I wish I could set you and Tully up properly. I think you’d really like him, Dev.
I stared at the screen where she’d attached a photo of Tully asleep on the sofa in a living room I didn’t recognize. A fat-cheeked baby Lellie was asleep face down on his chest with her head tilted to the side over his heart. There was a giant wet spot on his shirt where she’d been drooling. His arms were around her, with one of his large hands sprawled across her back. Her knees were drawn up under her, pushing her little rounded butt in the air.