Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 110624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 442(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 110624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 442(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
I wished she had just let me get it off my chest last night, because the truth was, there was never really going to be a right time to explain my fucked up situation to her. But she convinced me to wait a day to have the talk.
When I realized she wanted me as much as I wanted her, I became like a caged animal unleashed for the first time; I wanted to ravage her so badly that I gave in and waited to say anything. If all else failed, last night will stay with me for as long as I live, and nothing could ever take it away.
Now, I needed to figure out how to explain my sudden disappearing act and everything else, the second I get back to New York.
How exactly was I supposed to tell the person I love that I’m married to another woman I may never be able to leave?
***
The halls were eerily quiet as a nurse led me to her room. Ivy was sitting up in bed staring at the clock on the wall. That was a habit she developed about a year ago. She just watches the hands go by. It seemed to calm her.
“Ivy?” I said as I slowly approached the bed. She wasn’t in the middle of a delusion, but she also didn’t seem to be affected by my being there one way or the other. She looked at me and then looked right back at the clock.
She winced when I grabbed her hand. She didn’t like to be touched, but she gave in and let me hold it. I was just relieved she wasn’t telling me to go away this time or accusing me of trying to kill her. That one was the worst.
I squeezed her hand lightly. “Are you okay?”
She nodded repeatedly in quick motions without making eye contact with me then said, “Did they call you?”
“Yes. They said you—”
“Well, I didn’t. They’re lying. They shouldn’t have called you.”
I didn’t want to argue with her. The truth was, only she really knew whether she meant to take her own life or whether it was a misunderstanding. She never admitted to intentionally trying to commit suicide the past few times something like this happened.
“What did you do, Ivy?”
“I was just trying to get some air.”
“They thought you tried to jump out a window?”
“I was on the roof.”
“Ivy—”
She cut me off and shouted. “I was just getting air!”
I decided not to grill her any further. It was pointless. Even this little amount of clarity from her was rare, and I didn’t want to push her into an episode. She just needed to know I was there for her. Thank God, this time, my being here didn’t set her off.
She kept her hand in mine, and I watched her eyes return to the clock on the wall. Aside from the faint traffic sounds through the glass from the street below and the clock ticking, it was quiet. Then, came a light knock on the door.
“Mr. Green?”
I turned around to see a tall middle-aged woman with a white coat standing at the doorway.
“I’m Doctor Greally.”
“Hi,” I said, standing up as we shook hands.
“May I have a word with you?” She gestured for me to walk out into the hallway with her.
I looked back at Ivy who was still staring at the clock. “I’ll be right back.”
“What happened, doctor?” I whispered.
“She was apparently naked on the roof threatening to jump if someone didn’t leave her alone. There was no one actually bothering her and no one in the vicinity. The staff at the home had a tough time getting her down safely. They brought her in because they didn’t know what else to do.”
I rubbed my forehead vigorously with my fingers. “How long is she going to be hospitalized this time?”
“At least a few days. I wanted to talk to you about treatment options.”
“You obviously looked at her records? Nothing has ever worked for her,” I said.
“Yes, but I noticed they’ve never tried Clozapine.”
“What is that?”
“Well, it’s usually prescribed as a last resort in patients who have never responded to any of the other anti-psychotics.”
“Why is it a last resort?”
“There are some potential troubling side-effects, like dangerously lowering white blood cell count. People who take it have to have frequent blood tests to monitor the situation. However, aside from that risk, it can be a very effective treatment in some people.”
My stomach felt sick. “When do we have to make a decision?”
“You can take all the time you need. Just know that it’s an option.”
“Thank you,” I said as I rubbed my chin, unsure about whether it would be worth the risk. I’d have to do more research.
As I reentered her room, she was fast asleep. I sat down beside her and once again, felt helpless as I watched her peaceful face.