Total pages in book: 70
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
“Fine. Let me think…” I relaxed against the seat as I tried to think of some kind of story that didn’t end in tragedy. After the way I’d lost it yesterday, and Kieran had grounded me, I didn’t want to get into anything too negative. I just…I just wanted to enjoy him, and this, in a different way than I’d thought when we first began. In a way that wasn’t about sex and control and order.
“I was a freshman in high school—fourteen, and things were fairly calm at home. My parents were never truly stable, but we were okay.” It had been the calm before the storm when everything went to hell. “I was going to school regularly and we were getting by. There was a school play—Peter Pan, and I wanted to do it. I wanted to try out. To be Peter.” I remembered the feeling I’d gotten, a desire I’d never really had before. Most of my dreams back then had been surrounded by my parents and wanting them to be okay. But this? Wanting to be Peter was all for me.
“Tell me what you were just thinking,” Kieran said.
“How did you know?” It was incredible, his ability to read me. He glanced at me, this look easy to decipher and I said, “Yes, Sir.” He was so damn bossy. “I was thinking that the play was the only thing I’d ever wanted that was only about myself. It’s crazy that I even wanted to do it. I was shy as hell, but I’d wanted to change that. I’d wanted to be on stage.”
I paused then, and thought about everything. I remembered the feeling of being in the theatre. I was shy and quiet and got teased but, when I’d tried out, I had been someone else. I’d been confident. I’d been the Jared I was in the courtroom now.
“Did you get the part?” Kieran asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “But I’d had to back out. I couldn’t commit to the practices and the schedule because my mom was trying to get clean and she needed me.”
“Did you ever try out for another one?”
“No.” I hadn’t wanted to be let down again. “I’ve never even been to the theatre.”
Kieran sighed. “I was hoping for a happy ending.”
“Me too,” I answered, and then startled when Kieran reached over and put his hand on the back of my neck.
We were silent for a few moments, as I let myself enjoy the feel of Kieran’s hand on me, when he said, “I fell in love with my best friend when I was sixteen.”
I turned toward him, my eyes wide with surprise but I was quiet as I waited. My pulse beat so loudly in my ears, I wondered if Kieran could hear it. “What happened?” I finally asked. “Did he feel the same?”
Kieran shrugged. “I thought he did…he said he did… He spent a year and a half with me but then he decided being with another man was wrong.” There was a detached edge to Kieran’s voice that he didn’t typically have.
“I’m sorry,” I replied.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I can still be sorry.”
“Yes,” Kieran replied. “I guess you can. That’s enough about that. Pull out your dick. I want you to jack off for me, but you’re not allowed to come.”
I didn’t move right away. I wanted to beg for more information about him, to ask him questions and learn what made Kieran tick. But I didn’t. “Yes, Daddy,” I replied, as I slid open my pants and palmed my heavy thickness.
*
The next few weeks were like nothing I’d ever experienced. I’d never known what it felt like to belong—not to a place, or with people. I’d spent most of my life keeping myself at arm’s length because it was so much safer that way. When I was younger, my life had been wrapped up in taking care of my parents, into taking care of myself because no one else cared enough. Friends weren’t even a possibility for me. They weren’t on my radar, and it wasn’t as if I’d had many options either. Who wanted to talk to the quiet kid who didn’t know how to relate to other people? A kid who was skittish and withdrawn?
As I’d gotten older, I’d had to strengthen my armor. I’d had to become stronger myself because the world was an ugly place and it confirmed that there would never be anyone out there who put me first. Or hell, even second.
I’d learned to survive, to thrive and make sure I was always taken care of, except I hadn’t done as good a job as I’d thought. My mind had been a mess, my needs weren’t being met. I’d never been in control the way I’d thought. The pretense of control had been my facade but now…? Now, I had Kieran. I could let go because I knew he would catch me. I could relax because I knew he would take care of me. Support me. I could let go of that pretense because he was there to give me what I needed and there was nothing like that feeling.