Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 80342 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80342 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
He seemed to sense that I’d come out of it because he held me closer on his lap and started talking. “Why don’t you hate me? You should hate me after everything I’ve done to you. I don’t understand. Why do you love me so much? What did I ever do to deserve you loving me like that?”
“Why did you risk your life to save my children?” He squeezed me and kissed my brow, and I felt warm all over. “Why did you run out there that day when she could’ve just as easily had run you over as she did me?” I didn’t give him an answer; there was nothing to say that wouldn’t give too much away.
“Why did you do that for a man who didn’t even remember you? Huh? What were you hoping to gain?” Gain? What does he mean gain? I knew he was goading me, that my not answering him was pissing him off, that’s how well I know him, but still, I bit my tongue, too much guilt.
“Why did you come in and out of my home knowing that I’d forgotten you? I didn’t even want you here, where was your pride? Why were you such a fool as to let yourself be used? I didn’t even remember you, or remember fucking you that night.”
More hurtful words to get a rise out of me, to make himself feel better for the guilt he now feels, it’s human nature. Being a psychiatry buff has its disadvantages, I can see every move he’s about to make before he even says it.
“And why didn’t you remind me that I fucked you? Or was that just something to add to your little book of secrets?” I stiffened in his arms. How does he know about that?
“Yeah, your mother told me all about it. Am I in there, Jenny? She says she never read it, that you don’t even know she knows it exists. So how about it, huh? Did you write about how hot you were for me while pretending not to care? Where is it, I wanna see…?”
I jumped off his lap with my fists folded and my face redder than it’s ever been. “Gain? What was I gonna gain?” I wanted to rant and rave at him for all the years of hurt, for marrying someone else, someone who, as it turns out, wasn’t worthy of him.
But I knew that argument had no real steam; that it was only in my head that he, and I ever coexisted and he could not be blamed for that. But as to the other, as to him implying that I was some kind of fool, there’s no way I’m going to let him see me like that. It’s not fair. “Do you really think I acted that way because I was stupid or some kind of doormat?”
“I did it because it was the right thing to do. I wouldn’t have wanted you to have an affair with me while you were still married to her, I would spend the rest of my life worried about when you’d do the same to me.”
“As to why I came around, sure, in the beginning, I couldn’t stay away, I was dying for the sight of you after all these years. And sure, it cut like ten knives when you looked right through me and didn’t remember one single thing about me while I’ve spent my life loving you, you undeserving jerk.”
He jumped up off the couch to grab me when I turned to walk away. I couldn’t let him see that I was playing him, but there is no way that he’s seeing that book. I’m going to skin mom as soon as I get back home.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I barely withheld the giggle. My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could hear it, and my nipples were about to poke a hole through my bra.
He acts like it’s a big deal now that he’d remembered that night. Try reliving it every second of every day for almost a month. Try trying to justify the best night of your life when you know it was wrong, but you can’t bring yourself to condemn it.
“Didn’t you just say you didn’t want me here? I’m giving you what you want. Bye, Mr. Masters.” I waved my hand over my shoulder in his face, ready to burst with excitement. I wanted to jump up and down because he was finally holding me while he was awake, and there was no way he could forget.
I tried pulling myself away from him again, but he tightened his hold. “Settle your ass down, Jenny. You still have a lot to answer for so don’t take that tone with me.”