Total pages in book: 55
Estimated words: 53529 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 268(@200wpm)___ 214(@250wpm)___ 178(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 53529 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 268(@200wpm)___ 214(@250wpm)___ 178(@300wpm)
To me, showing you care means sticking it out. Being there by my side. Fighting for the life we both want. In my opinion, those things prove you love someone. It takes dedication and perseverance to get through tough times.
But dying? That shit’s the easy way out.
We all eventually die, Huff. Don’t you get it? We. All. Die. Someday. And then that’s that. Our time is over. So why not do everything possible to live life while we can? Why not use every resource we’ve got—mental, spiritual, medical, financial, and social—to spend our finite number of days with the people who’re worth our love? Why not fight to leave this world a better place than we found it?
I mean, it’s just like Sam said: What the hell do we have to lose if death is the worst outcome, and it’s going to happen anyway?
“Huff, I appreciate that you care so deeply for me. But I want a life with someone who gets it.”
“Gets what?”
I inhale slowly and gaze into his eyes. “Love is everything.”
Huff
Love is everything? I crinkle my nose. What? Is she a Hallmark card now? “So what’s your definition of love?”
“I don’t know, Huff.” River shrugs. “But I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not abandoning the person who loves you most over and over again.”
“So you’re judging me for trying to keep you safe?”
“I’m not judging you.” River shakes her head at her lap, her long dark hair falling around her oval face.
“Aren’t you? Because it sounds like you don’t want me in your life because our definitions of love don’t match up.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. We don’t match up, and now I’m starting to believe we never will.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you refuse to listen to my definition,” she says.
“But I just asked, and you won’t define it.” I can’t believe we’re arguing about this. I love her. I’d do anything for her, including facing my demons, committing to learn from my past mistakes so she doesn’t end up dead like my sister, and putting her life before my own. “All right. Here’s my definition of love: It’s sacrifice. It’s being terrified that you’ll lose someone. Love is everything good in my life and knowing just how special those things are. It’s wanting to protect them.” Or something like that.
She slowly nods.
“What?” I say.
“Where am I in that definition, Huff? Because you just talked about a lot of things, but you forgot the part where you take into consideration what the other person needs. If I’m so damned special, why not include my feelings?” She inhales slowly with a sharp exhale. “Sam thinks you’re incapable, that our relationship has always been about you.”
Sam? What the hell does he have to do with us? And why’s she confiding in him about our relationship?
River continues, “It’s something I’ve only recently begun to understand. You look to me for support, for friendship, for love, but the moment I ask for anything, you don’t listen. I never wanted you to protect me. I didn’t want you to sacrifice your life for mine. I wanted to fight and for you to be by my side, not treat me like a child who’s your responsibility. Get it?”
“Did Sam say that, too?” I ask bitterly.
“Sam listens to me, and he’s helped be realize a lot of things about myself. If you did the same, we might not be having this conversation.”
I clamp my lips together, physically restraining my idiot mouth from speaking before I’ve had a chance to think. I don’t like the fact that this Sam person has injected himself into her head, but River’s smart, and she’s usually right about this kind of stuff—especially my blind spots—so I can’t dismiss what she’s saying because of him.
After Joy died, I was forced to live in self-perpetuated isolation. I felt guilty because I didn’t try to save her, and my family was too busy grieving to notice how alone I was. Later, I started at a new high school, but I saw everyone as people who “just couldn’t understand” or couldn’t be trusted.
Fast-forward to college, and nothing really changed. River pushed me to come to her university, and I was determined to make a fresh start, but my past followed me. I was still Huff, the little brother of Joy who was murdered. All about me. My past. My pain.
So is it true, do I only think I’m being selfless when in reality I’m only doing what I think is best?
River pats my leg. “I know your heart’s always in the right place, but it’s not enough for me, Huff.”
“I get it. I have to change. I’m just not sure how.”
“Huff, let me ask you this: What does change look like? I mean, if you could cook up your perfect life, what would be the ingredients?”