Total pages in book: 63
Estimated words: 57043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
I don’t know what my father would have done. He’s never hit a man before, but when he gets like that….I just…I don’t know what I would have done if he’d hurt Griffin.
I can’t say a damn thing. I stand there, feeling helpless and hating that this is my life.
Griffin looks back at me, his shoulders dropping as he lets out a long, deep breath. I wouldn't be this patient with me, but there he is, just breathing so he can think of what to say. He takes a few steps into the living room. I back up a step, but I hit the coffee table and there's no more room.
Griffin holds his hand up like he wants to make sure I won't run away. I'm not going to run away from him. I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of everything else that has to do with him and my life.
“I'm asking you to help me,” he says quietly. “I want to understand, Renee, and I can't understand unless you tell me what's going on. Please. I won't think less of you for having things to deal with in your life.”
“You will.” And you’ll judge my mother. Everyone does. Even I do and I hate myself for it.
“I won't.” He shakes his head, his eyes sincere. I can’t believe him though, because he doesn’t understand what he’s asking. “I really won't. I could never think less of you, no matter what you tell me.”
“It doesn't matter; I don’t want you to—” I start but he cuts me off.
“You matter to me.”
“But I don't want…” My voice cracks, and a few tears spill out of my eyes. I wipe them away, but more come after them. “I don't want your help. I don't need your help. I'm never going to need anyone.”
Then I can't deny that I'm crying. There are more and more tears, and my chest fills up with sobs, and then I'm just breaking down in front of him. Yet again.
“I don't need anyone,” I say, and it sounds like a lie.
Griffin steps forward. I take a breath and I can smell the spicy scent of his cologne leftover from yesterday.
He puts his arms around me, and my whole body seems to break. It's the worst feeling I could imagine, because I can't hide it, and that means Griffin is going to know.
I push my face into the front of his coat and sob. “You can't do this,” I tell him.
“Why not?” He rubs my back, his strong arms circling me. There's no way I can tear myself away now. I need this too much, and it's embarrassing and horrible to have to admit it.
“Because now you know.”
“What do I know?”
His voice is steady and warm, and I feel even more ridiculous because I could have had this last night. I could have had him with me all night, and it wouldn't have made any difference because he still knows everything anyway. He’s a smart man. He’ll put the pieces together. He’ll ask Brody who will ask Mags.
“You know how damaged I am. You can see how screwed up my life is. And you know that you're so much better than me, and that's why this can never work. You're so much better than me. You don’t deserve this.”
“Hey,” he says, and I cry harder. My purse falls off my arm and onto the floor, and I put my arms around his waist and hold on tight. “It's all right,” he says soothingly.
I brace myself because I'm sure he's going to tell me that he's not better, and I can't have that discussion with him right now. It's not really about me as a person next to him as a person. It's my entire life up against his. He has a good family. He can bring someone home for Christmas without having to explain the disaster they just got out of. He won't have to tell anyone that his mom is living with his aunt because of the monster who showed up at my door. He's good, and I can't be good like that.
But Griffin doesn't say that. He doesn't argue with me.
“I'm here,” he says, and drops a kiss to the top of my head. “I'm here, and I love you.”
I love you.
I take a shuddering breath. I don’t know how he can, but I take it. Because I love him, and I need him even if I don’t want to.
“I love you too,” I sob, and it's not pretend at all. As much as it hurts, it's real.
I love him and I want him to love me.
Griffin
I don't know how long it lasts, and I don't try to keep track of the time. I just hold her until she's able to stop crying. She trembles in my arms and I can’t believe she tried to go through this alone.