Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 80620 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80620 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
A feeling of panic rises up within me as I realize what Reed says is true. I’ve been all bluster with my threats to Gracen and it’s worked so far in putting her right where I want her. But Reed is right: I can’t parent Lilly full time on my own. Gracen and her career as a nurse makes her a far more stable option for our daughter.
Jesus.
“Might I suggest you be nice to Gracen,” Reed says offhandedly. “Give her a reason to want to stay. You two don’t have to be friends, you only have to be civil to each other around Lilly. She’ll stay and you’ll be able to get to know your daughter in the time that you have available during the season.”
Another crushing weight pushes down on my shoulders.
The hockey season.
Training camp starts next week. Travel starts the week after that. My opportunities with Lilly will be scarce, and for the first time in my adult life, I think there is something more important than hockey to me.
A flash of guilt hits me that I didn’t feel that way when I broke things off with Gracen. I was young and wanted freedom. I wanted to do my own thing. Would I still have felt that way if I knew she was pregnant? I hope to fuck not, but who I am today isn’t who I was back then.
This is a disconcerting thought, because the images in my mind as I think about how to manage time with Lilly and career aren’t just of Lilly. I imagine Gracen in my kitchen cooking pancakes for both Lilly and me, or Gracen and Lilly at one of my games.
I shake my head hard in denial of what this all might mean to me.
Reed’s comment about me being nicer to Gracen hangs heavy in the air. I don’t feel like addressing it because I know he’s right and he knows I know he’s right. No sense in hashing it out.
“I hear what you’re saying,” I admit to him. “And I’m working on the anger thing with Gracen.”
Jesus…last night I wasn’t angry at all with her. Last night I wanted to be buried inside her body.
Reed nods at me, his eyes expressing he’s done meddling in our lives. But he’s not done talking. “So how’s it going with you and Lilly?”
I shake my head with a small smile. “That kid is amazing, and I’m trying to figure out how to communicate with her. She’s so little I think she doesn’t know much, but she’s smart as shit. Sometimes it’s like talking to a miniature adult.”
Chuckling, Reed leans back against the counter. “You’ve got a lot of fun times ahead of you, brother.”
“I think so,” I say neutrally. I’m afraid to even think that way, as I’m still pretty much scared shitless because I have no clue what I’m doing.
“When are you going to tell everyone?” Reed asks.
I groan and look up to the ceiling. “Shit, man. I don’t even want to have to deal with that. I’ll have to tell the team, of course. And my parents. I’ve been trying to figure out how to lay this on them.”
Reed scoffs at my hesitation. “They’ll be thrilled, dude. You know that.”
Yes, my parents are going to go nuts when they find out they have a granddaughter. More so because they’re both retired and live here in Raleigh during the cold months. They’ve become official Cold Fury traveling fans and go to most of my games both home and away. My dad was an investment advisor and was damn good at it. He doesn’t have to work another day in his life and now he and my mom would like nothing more than to be full-time grandparents. They won’t be leaving New York to come down here until late November, and I can’t wait that long to tell them. In fact, it’s got to be something I do sooner rather than later, and knowing my parents, they will want to come down immediately and meet Lilly.
I have to figure out how to explain Gracen keeping this from me, though. For some reason, I don’t want them to be mad at her the way I am.
Or was. Not sure I still am.
Fuck, this is confusing, and I’m tired of thinking about it.
Tired of thinking about my anger and how to be a good dad. Tired of thinking about the years I lost with my daughter, and while it doesn’t necessarily tire me out to think about it, I sure as hell would like to forget about the images of me almost kissing Gracen last night.
I would like to stop thinking about her like that completely, but I know it’s probably not likely.
So I pick the sledgehammer back up once again and tell him, “Let’s get this shit knocked out.”