Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 117574 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 588(@200wpm)___ 470(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 117574 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 588(@200wpm)___ 470(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
When Auggie strikes a picture-perfect boy-band pose and stops singing, signaling his little show is done, I hop up and cheer and applaud wildly before throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.
“That was so good! I loved it!”
He laughs. “Good. Because I love you.” He sings, “Forever and ever, always, it’s you and me.”
“Solid gold, baby. I’m telling you, it belongs at the top of the charts. What’s the name of your boy band?”
“Auggie Loves Charlotte.”
“Awww.” I kiss him, just as there’s a knock at the door. Room service has arrived.
We get the food and champagne. Open the bottle. Pour. And next thing you know, we’re holding up sparkling champagne for a toast.
“To us,” Auggie says. “To the happy life we’re going to have together.”
I know exactly what to add to Auggie’s toast. I’ve said it many times, after all, in response to Auggie—albeit under totally different circumstances. But never has the phrase been so apt or meaningful, as in this moment. With a huge smile and a wink, I clink my glass against Auggie’s and add, “And they lived happily ever after.”
EPILOGUE
AUGGIE
It’s my gorgeous wife’s 40th birthday party, and Tessa and I have conspired to throw her quite the bash. It’s the first party thrown at the new house—the bulk of the party is happening in our spacious backyard—and I’m thrilled to see all our family and closest friends have made it. Some of our new neighbors, too—the ones we’ve already hung out with a bit, thanks to a welcome barbeque thrown for us by Ryan and Tessa at their place down the street.
This is our dream house, baby. Great layout. Huge backyard. Lots of space for our growing family. And best of all, with our place being right down the street from Tessa and Ryan’s house, we now hang out with those two and their four kids, and Rudy and Lucky, all the damn time.
It’s all courtesy of The Unicorn, since we never could have afforded a house like this on my salary alone. That’s how my high-earning wife is known by her rabid online following these days. The Unicorn. And she definitely lives up to her billing.
Thankfully, Superhero Salami Slinger is dead as a doornail. He never appears in The Unicorn’s videos or anywhere else. Charlotte doesn’t need me, and I don’t want to do it, so it’s a win-win. Occasionally, I serve as Charlotte’s trusty cameraman—the guy laughing and whooping behind the camera—when she’s doing something funny. I also help her when she’s doing something that can’t easily be captured with the camera on a tripod. But otherwise, The Unicorn is a one-woman, well-oiled machine.
As a matter of fact, all traces of my old Superhero Salami Slinger account, and every raunchy video I’ve ever appeared in, whether solo or with Charlotte, have been wiped from the internet. When we told Ryan and Tessa the truth about Charlotte’s highly lucrative profession during my fourth year of vet school, we also told them about the shows Charlotte and I used to do together. As much as we could, anyway, without divulging all the Mr. DiMarco stuff. To Ryan and Tessa, we made it sound like we did all that crazy stuff to raise money for my tuition.
But anyway, when we told Ryan and Tessa about all that stuff several years ago, and I expressed concern that all those old videos might come back to haunt and/or embarrass me during my future career as a vet, Ryan said he had a close friend who’s a gifted hacker and that the guy might be willing to scrub everything from existence for me, free of charge, as a favor to Ryan.
In reply, I told Ryan I didn’t think that was remotely possible. “But if it is,” I added, “then I’d insist on paying your hacker friend for his trouble.” The next thing I knew—about two weeks later—everything was gone. Not only that, Ryan told me his hacker buddy, whoever he was, refused to take my money.
I’m bummed I’ll never be able to thank the hacker guy for what he did for me. Hopefully, Ryan expressed my thanks effusively enough to him. Because whoever he is, he’s a fucking genius and a generous soul and I’m forever in his debt. I’m thrilled to be a vet now and to let Charlotte be the only online star in our family these days—and not to have to worry that one of those videos might pop up to bite me in the ass.
Speaking of ass-biting, the Unicorn doesn’t do overtly sexual things for her fans, although she is always naked. The stuff Charlotte does runs the gamut from silly to mundane: doing chores around the house, dancing, cooking, baking, spinning cartwheels across the lawn, doing yoga in our home gym. It doesn’t matter. As long as it’s Charlotte—The Unicorn—and she’s doing it buck naked and in her signature purple, sparkling mask, her fans always eat it up.