Total pages in book: 66
Estimated words: 76696 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76696 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
My heart clenched. This was something I would never have. Tears brimmed in my eyes and it was getting harder to breathe. I swallowed and pushed all the longing, all the despair, all the wistfulness down where it belonged – buried in the depth of my mind with the dying embers of my hope. You better get used to the hell that's your life, Amber, and stop longing for something you'll never have, a cruel voice in my head said and somehow it sounded like one of the men that had ruined my life.
My throat tightened painfully and bile rose in my throat, but I fought against it. Another break down would freak Brian out. I didn't want him to worry more.
“I'll get some popcorn,” I announced and was relieved to hear that my voice wasn't shaking. I felt everyone's eyes on me when I rose from the loveseat and walked out of the room. I closed the kitchen door behind me and drew in a deep breath as I closed my eyes briefly. After I'd calmed down, I searched the cupboards for microwave popcorn. With shaky hands I put it into the microwave and leaned against the counter.
Reagan stepped into the room and closed the door. I tensed. She looked uncomfortable and hesitant while she hovered next to me, not the expression I was used to seeing on her face.
“Amber, I'm sorry. I didn't think about it. That was completely inconsiderate of me,” she said. I turned away from the microwave to look at her. “What do you mean?”
“Kevin and I, we shouldn't have...not in front of you,” she whispered, pressing a hand against her forehead, covering her red eyebrows.
Please don't apologize for that. It's all I ever wanted. I shook my head, horrified. “No, Reagan. No. Please, don't act different around me.”
“But it bothered you,” Reagan said, her brows drawing together. “I don't want to bring up memories for you.”
I swallowed, ignoring the tears prickling in my eyes. The mentioning of memories brought up images that I didn't want to see – not ever again. I gripped the counter tightly in an attempt to keep it together. Be strong, Amber.
“Amber?” Reagan's voice was gentle and full of concern.
I drew in a deep breath before I faced her with new resolution. “When I saw you and Kevin, it didn't bring up memories because I've never experienced anything even close to that. I've never been in love. I've never been so close to someone. I've never wrapped my arms around someone and thought this is home. I've never looked into someone's eyes and felt butterflies in my stomach. I've never made love to someone and I won't – ever. I feel like I've come to an impasse, like my future is a blind alley. I will never know how it feels to lie in someone's arms, to be in love, to kiss someone. Never.” My voice broke and I had to turn my back to Reagan or she would have seen the tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt pathetic and guilty for burdening Reagan with my problems. I'd buried my fears, worries and longings for so long but with my new life they'd resurfaced and I wasn't able to push them away.
I wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to experience love and trust. I wanted happiness. I wanted them so desperately and knowing that I could never have them killed me.
Reagan touched my shoulder, turning me toward her. “Amber, whatever happened doesn’t define who you are forever. You are in control of your life and you can be happy and in love, if you only give life a chance.” Without warning she wrapped her arms around me. I froze at first but then I melted into her touch. I hugged her back and buried my face in her shoulder and then I wasn't able to stop the sobs. Reagan's arms around me tightened and for the first time in years I found comfort in someone's touch. It was so overwhelming that all my walls seemed to tumble and I cried like I hadn't ever cried in front of someone. “I want to give life a chance, but I’m broken.” After a moment I pulled back, feeling embarrassed and guilty. “I'm sorry, Reagan. I didn't...”
She shook her head, her expression determined. “No. Don’t apologize for your tears,” she said. “And you're wrong, Amber.”
I was startled by her words.
“You aren’t broken. You will experience love. I know you will. You've been strong enough to move in with Brian and Zach, and you will be strong enough to find your happiness.”
The microwave beeped, glad for the distraction. I opened the door, took the popcorn out and turned to head back to the living room.
“Wait,” Reagan said. She raised a tissue to my face and dried the remains of my tears. I did the same for her and after checking our reflection in the window, we returned into the living room. After our conversation, I actually felt better. Reagan met my eyes across the room before she sat down on Kevin's lap. I put the popcorn into a bowl on the table and sat down on the loveseat, my legs pulled against my chest. I rested my chin on my knees and focused on the TV. I felt eyes on me and tilted my head to the side to find Zach staring at me. He smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back.
Zachary
I buried my face into my pillow. I felt like shit – as if my body had been overrun by a truck repeatedly. For once this wasn't the effect of a night spent partying with the guys. My stomach constricted. With a hoarse groan I rolled over onto my back and stared at the white ceiling. The motion sent a new wave of sickness through my body. “Fuck.” My stomach’s contents wanted to see daylight and I'd be damned if I'd let that happen in my room. I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and my hand shot to my head when dizziness set in. “Fuck,” I groaned as I stumbled to my feet and out of my room. My vision turned blurry for a moment but I managed to find the bathroom. Once there, I emptied my stomach into the toilet bowl. The last time I’d hurled like that was in my freshman year at college after doing two kegstands in a row. A hang-over, that I could deal with, especially if it entailed a fucking great night of fun, but this shit? I couldn’t even remember the last time I had the flu.