Total pages in book: 30
Estimated words: 28781 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 144(@200wpm)___ 115(@250wpm)___ 96(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 28781 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 144(@200wpm)___ 115(@250wpm)___ 96(@300wpm)
Self-pity sucked, but when you were in it, all you saw was the giant in front of you, there could be an army behind you, ready to fight on your behalf, but it was behind you, and all you saw was what was to come. Later on, I’d realize that that’s what depression and anxiety did to a person.
You had one foot in the past, one in the future, and you were quite literally shitting on the present because you couldn’t be present, you were either worried about past mistakes or things you did wrong, or worried about what you would fail at again in the future.
The present just ended up becoming existing, worrying, and it was selfish and I knew, at least I thought I knew all the right answers, but when I watched him smile and walk off that day all I thought was, I’m the shackle attached to him.
What did I contribute? What did I give?
I had the nightmare a lot, the day I decided to walk, the day I decided he was better without me, the day I stupidly broke my own heart and cut off all contact.
At the time I thought, I can’t love him if I don’t love me, and now that I knew what I knew, I realized he would have waited.
Timing, always perfect, yes?
I stretched my arms over my head and tried to get up, then stumbled into Ace, elbow first right into his cheek.
“Shit! Son of a bitch, a monkey attacked me! Sharks!” Ace shot up and banged his forehead against mine. “Why!”
“…Sorry, are you asking why a monkey attacked you? Or why sharks exist? And I may have aggressively stretched and tried to stand and then… fell.”
His nostrils flared, his dark hair was poking out in every different direction. “Yeah, got that, also felt that, ugh, my face, why are your elbows so bony? I’m probably going to have another black eye and have to lie and say I ran into another wall!”
“Nah, just man up and say your partner struck you in a flurry of anger after you wouldn’t stop snoring.”
“I don’t snore.”
“You could snore.”
“It’s a lie from the pit of hell and you know it. You snore.”
“I exhale.”
“It’s the same thing where you’re concerned, like a train honking its horn over and over again until said train gets tossed to the side only to kick out its wheels and attempt another murder.”
I barely kept my laughter in. “What’s this now about trains?”
“I’m so tired.” He covered his face with his hands. “And now I need ice for swelling, why are you so violent?”
I shrugged. “You could have gone to the bed.”
“You’re not in the bed,” he whispered.
The living room fell silent.
“You know”—he continued—“for me to check on, to make sure you’re living and I don’t go to prison, because somehow I imagine that even if I was innocent, anything that could go wrong would go wrong, so no, I’m not going to the bed.”
My stomach flipped. “I mean, we both could go, it’s more comfortable.”
He scratched his face and looked down at the ground. “Yeah, I mean, if you’re down for it. We have to be up in a few hours, and I set my alarm to wake you up in the next twenty minutes, so I think we’re good, just one more final check before we meet everyone downstairs at nine.”
“Yeah.” My voice was weak, so were my knees, my entire body actually. “So, let’s just move over there, did you want to grab ice or?”
Ace shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, probably trying to tame it, his shirt rode up reminding me of golden abs and a V that seemed to go on for days.
Damn, hiking that trail had been fun.
Ace waved a hand in front of my face. “You um, good?”
“Concussed,” I blurted. “Sorry, I’m concussed.”
“Such a weird word.” He smirked. “Do you need help walking?”
I wouldn’t say no to him carrying. “No, I’m good.”
I managed to stand up straight and follow him into the bedroom. Ace didn’t grab ice, but he did look over his shoulder like he was checking on me while we made our way into the master bedroom.
The bed was looming.
A California King that would swallow both of us up.
I’d just lean as far as I could toward my side and it would be totally fine, and then he’d be on his side, we could even put a few pillows in between.
Not that it mattered.
We’d been in a relationship, he’d seen it all, and I’d seen it all, but now it felt newer, different. Maybe because I was different. I wasn’t the same Bri he’d fallen in love with. I’d like to think I was better. Hopefully.
Again. Therapy.
The lights were off in the room except for a tiny night light in the corner by the bathroom.