Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
I'm such a loser. I can't even be happy for him that he's potentially found someone. All I can think about is how miserable it makes me. How I had the opportunity to kiss him and show him that I cared and I was too chicken-shit to do it.
Later that evening, there's a knock at the door. "Ruthie?"
It's Ruth's voice. I lift my bleary head and wipe at my running nose. My eyes feel itchy and swollen, and I'm sure I look hideous. It makes a fresh round of tears threaten. "Go away."
She doesn't listen. She just knocks again. "Kazex says you're sick. Let me in or I'm going to get Sakkar."
Ugh. Sakkar is the ship's medic. The last thing I need is him giving me sour looks of reprimand as he realizes I'm not sick at all, just emotional. As threats go, it's a good one. Frustrated, I move to the door and slap the panel, then fling myself back into bed again, burying my face in the pillow like a dramatic teenager. "I don't want to talk to anyone."
"Tough titty," Ruth says, her footsteps echoing on the floor of the room and telling me she’s approaching. "You don't have to talk to me long. You just have to tell me what's going on so Ruth-Ann and I can relax."
Despair fills me again. "I'm not sick. I'm fucked in the head."
"Who isn't?" Ruth-Ann says in a mild voice, and I realize she's in our room, too. I sit up, crossing my legs and hugging a pillow in front of me as I confront my sister-clones.
It's always unnerving to look at the two of them, because it's like looking in a mirror...except not. Their features are exact replicas of mine, closer than even twins. Some of the a'ani have different spacing to their features, or one might have a softer jaw or thicker brows. Ruth, Ruth-Ann and I really look as if we've just stepped out of a mirror funhouse. It's freaky, and I think that's why I'm so obsessed with piercings and shaving my head. I'm desperately trying to establish “me,” and that confidence gets eroded every time I look one of them in the eye.
If Ruth and Ruth-Ann suffer from the same questionable sense of self that I do, they don't show it. Ruth has always had a strong personality. She says what she thinks and acts first, questions later. She's brave and just a bit foolhardy and I'm envious of that. She hasn't changed a bit about herself at the discovery of me—her hair is the same long sweep of black it ever was, and her skin is tattoo-less and devoid of piercings.
Ruth-Ann is a little more reserved than Ruth, more self-contained. She's the quietest of the three of us, but the most self-assured. She prefers to wear gray and white to Ruth's somber black, her clothes always tidy and spare, and her hair is cut blunt just above the shoulders. She tucks it behind her ears, as if she can't be bothered to do anything with it.
Me, I'm the messy one. I'm the one that wears the rumpled jumpsuits, the one with the mohawk and all the piercings and tattoos. I'm the one that doesn't have her shit together. It's depressing to not only be a clone, but to be the shittiest one.
"Are you both here to lecture me?" I ask, sullen.
"We're here because we're worried about you," Ruth-Ann says in a calm, even voice. She sits beside me on the bed, her expression bland.
"You do look like shit," Ruth agrees, leaning against the door jamb. "Why are you crying?"
I sigh heavily and hug my pillow tighter. Ruth-Ann reaches over and brushes one of the longer locks of hair off of my brow. "You can tell us. We won't say anything. What happened after we split up?"
I can't even hate my sister-clones because I love them. Yes, they're me, but having them both here is like having two sisters I never realized I had, and I wouldn't trade our bond for anything....even if it fucks me up. Hearing the gentleness in Ruth-Ann's voice lets me open up, and I lean on her shoulder as I tell them about my horrible day in Port. I tell them all about Gia and how hard she flirted with Kazex, and how he seemed to be totally into it, the jerk.
They aren't completely on my side, either. Ruth shakes her head when I tell her all about how much Gia was all over Kazex. "He was being nice, Ruthie. She needed help with her stuff, right? It's not his fault he's cute and friendly. She just took advantage of that. Did he touch her back?"
"No," I admit. Now that I think about it, all the touching was on Gia's side.
"Well, there you go."