Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
She smiles broadly and then winks. “Enjoy your time off, Nathan.”
I nod. “I will.” She leaves and I turn back to my computer.
Six days to sort my life out.
* * *
“Nathan Mercer!” Elliot calls me into his room.
“Hello.” I nod as I walk past him and fall into his leather chair.
This is my third visit in ten days.
Elliot smiles warmly. He’s a calming force. I feel better just by being here, knowing that I have someone to talk to about this.
“How are you, Nathan?”
“I’m okay.”
“Really? Are you?”
I nod.
He sits back and crosses his legs as he assesses me. “If that were so, why did you need an emergency appointment today?”
I exhale heavily, my cover well and truly blown. “Eliza went on a date last night.”
“I see. And how did that make you feel?”
“Like I wanted to kill him.”
“What happened?”
“I followed them.”
He frowns.
“I watched him pick her up, and then…” I pause.
“And then?”
“I left, and I went and saw Stephanie.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“How did that go?”
“I don’t know. I drove to her house and sat out the front in the car. Eliza was all I could think about, so I didn’t go in. I left and went back to wait out the front of Eliza’s apartment so I knew she got home safe.”
He frowns. “What happened?”
I stare into space as I get a vision of her with him in the car. “He tried to kiss her and she turned her head. She didn’t want to kiss him.”
“That’s good then?”
My eyes meet his. “I don’t know, is it?”
“Did they see you?”
“No. I was standing in the alleyway across the road.”
He stays silent.
“She knows,” I say. “That I’m curious. She found the porn I’ve been watching.”
“What was her reaction?”
“She was angry that I’ve been lying to her.”
“Did you tell her why?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because if she doesn’t feel the same… I’ll lose her.” I run my hands through my hair in despair. “I’m not risking it.”
“Nathan, you do realize that if you do nothing, you will lose Eliza, anyway, don’t you?”
My eyes meet his. “What do you mean?”
“It’s inevitable. She will meet someone, and he will be in her bed every night and he will become her confidant. She will learn to depend on him and him alone.”
I frown.
“You told me that you don’t want to ruin the friendship between the two of you.”
“I don’t,” I reply.
“How long do you think Eliza will want to be best friends with someone and share a bed with him when he is keeping secrets from her? You are already putting a wedge between yourself and her by being dishonest. Whether you realize it or not, Nathan, you are already actively pushing Eliza away.”
I’ve never thought of it like that before.
“So, what you need to decide is whether you can live with yourself in years to come, watching her being happy with someone else, having someone else’s children, and knowing that you wanted her and yet you never let her know.”
“You don’t understand.” I drop my head. “It’s not that black and white.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“You said she is angry with you for lying.”
“She is.”
“So be honest. Tell her the truth.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I imagine how that conversation would go.
What if she doesn’t want me?
“You can’t cover a lie with a lie, Nathan.”
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a while as I try to process my thoughts.
“What are you going to do?”
“There’s no way to know what to do unless I know for certain. I can’t risk opening up to Eliza and then having sex and not enjoying the physical act of it.”
Although I can’t imagine that happening with her… but it might. I have no idea what to do with a female body, and I have to face the reality of that.
My eyes meet Elliot’s, and for the first time in weeks, I know what I have to do. “I’m going to find out for sure.”
* * *
I drive up the highway with the headlights leading the way through the darkness.
Never once do they second guess their direction. You turn them on, they do their job.
Where are my headlights?
I’ve been driving around for hours now, too anxious to go home to Eliza.
Too wound up to go back to my place alone.
If there was just some way of… I don’t know, seeing a woman without any interaction. Somewhere I could watch and just work out the logistics of my body and what it wants.
I know who my heart wants, but physically, I’m confused.
A thought comes to me. I frown and pull over the car as I go over the possibility in my mind.
Yes, why didn’t I think of that before?
I turn the car and do a U-turn.
I know where I need to go.
I take out the gold card from my wallet and stare at it.