Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Trust.
From the moment I’d seen Cass again for the first time, I’d made sure to tell and show him repeatedly that I didn’t trust him; that he’d stolen my ability to trust in anyone. Despite where we were now and all we’d done to get here, I still hadn’t spoken those words to him.
This encounter might have started out because of verbal sparring that had gotten out of control, but it hadn’t been the words themselves that had driven us to this moment. Not this moment where I was flat on my back, completely at Cass’s mercy. I could tell him to stop, and he would do exactly that. Except this wasn’t about me saying yes or no. It was about me not saying anything at all. It was about letting my mind, not my heart make the choice.
At first, I thought Cass just wanted what the men in all those bars and clubs had wanted—complete control so they could take their pleasure. Cass did want control, but not like any of those men had. He wanted me to trust him enough to hand that control over to him.
Despite everything I’d let complete strangers do to me, it had been my choice. I’d never been forced or drugged. I might have been too drunk at times to give consent, but I’d chosen to toss back all those shots with one goal in mind. I’d chosen which guy I wanted. Or guys. I’d chosen to let them do whatever they wanted to do to me. I’d chosen to let them call me names and degrade me. It had all been part of the game. Everyone who went to a place like Tank’s knew that. I hadn’t been there by accident.
Cass had been right when we’d first seen each other again and he’d forced me to accept that night after night, I had put some element of trust into the hands of men who could have taken my life if they’d wanted. Squeezing my neck for just a little too long during rough sex with the wrong guy and that would have been it. Yet I’d given every single one of those men the chance to do just that because I’d trusted I’d come out the other side both breathing and feeling the relief that addicts felt. Chasing the dragon. That was what they called it. I’d been chasing that same kind of high every time I’d gone through the door of Tank’s, and just like any other addict, when the high had faded too quickly or hadn’t been there at all, I’d pushed every encounter to a whole new level.
Things had been different in those days, though. Trust hadn’t cost me anything. I’d been living a life that hadn’t been mine anymore anyway, so giving my body over to a stranger to use as he pleased hadn’t mattered.
Nothing had mattered.
Cass did, though.
He mattered. More than he would ever know.
Yes, my body wanted this. I suspected my body would crave anything and everything Cass wanted to do to me, for me, or with me. The problem was my mind.
My eyes shifted back to Cass’s. He was no longer touching me, but he hadn’t moved away from me either. Technically, he could fuck me if he wanted to. Despite having tested negative for everything himself, he’d been taking preemptive measures when it came to safe sex. Besides using condoms from the first time he’d ever had sex, as soon as he’d been released from prison, he’d started taking medication that greatly reduced his chances of being infected by nearly every STD out there. I hadn’t wanted to ask if he’d done that for me or for any guy that he ended up having sex with. For all I knew, it was possible he could have hooked up dozens of times since he’d been released. Bottom line was that while we both knew about each other’s histories in terms of protection and testing, we still hadn’t really talked about if and when we were going to have intercourse.
This moment could change all that. Cass understood the risks of fucking me, even with a condom. The risk was next to nothing with that level of protection and even if the condom broke, the likelihood of him becoming infected with anything was slim to none.
In truth, I’d been told by my doctor after the first round of testing had come back negative that as long as my partner and I used protection, the risk of any negative outcomes was very low. I’d told Cass I wasn’t ready for that reason, but it wasn’t quite the truth. I absolutely hadn’t been ready when he and I had come face to face after two years, but somewhere along the line, my body had become ready. If he’d been any other man who I’d liked or had been dating, I would have probably slept with him within a couple of dates, but Cass wasn’t any man.