Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
“My father,” I began but then shook my head.
“I know, baby,” JJ said as he pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “I talked to the doctor. He’s holding his own, though, Cass. And remember, the longer we go without hearing from the surgeons, the longer your father is fighting.”
“SaDa,” I whispered brokenly. “I’ve been replaying things in my head, and I don’t know why it took me so long to remember…”
“Remember what? Do you know what SaDa means?”
I nodded. “I used to call my father that when I was really little. He’d come to see me at night sometimes so he could tuck me in. I was a little younger than Charlie. SaDa. Sad Dad,” I said softly. JJ’s arm went around my shoulders. Warmth began to penetrate my icy skin as he pulled me against his side. “I couldn’t pronounce sad dad, so I shortened it. I… I think I used to call him DaDa when I first started talking.”
“And you changed it when your dad seemed sad?”
I nodded again. “It was all the time. He’d be smiling and sometimes he’d read me a story, I think. Or tell me one, I’m not sure. He always sounded sad, though.”
“Did he call you buddy?” JJ asked.
I smiled both at the name and because JJ had already been putting the pieces together on his own when we’d been in my father’s office. It wasn’t until he’d used the name O’Shauneys that I’d finally understood the message both my father and my lover had been trying to send me without alerting the person on the other side of the hidden camera. Sully, JJ and even myself had called Sully and JJ’s father Sean Ferguson as ‘Pops’ and the Scottish man had never once strayed from the little Scottish pub near their house. I’d been there a few times with all three men and it sure as shit hadn’t been called O’Shauneys.
“Yeah,” I said. “My grandad used to call me that too. But only when my grandmother wasn’t around.”
The mere mention of my grandmother brought back a flood of memories. “All those things she told me when I was little, I just believed her. Even when I knew some of it didn’t make sense, I believed everything she said. But when I look back on it now, I don’t know how I could have been so blind,” I admitted.
“Sully’s been doing some digging,” JJ said. “Do you want to hear what he’s found out so far?”
“Yes. But can I tell you something first so you won’t worry so much about me?”
JJ laughed. It was a harsh, sob-filled laugh. It was proof that he was as traumatized by the whole experience as I was. “Yeah, okay,” he said, his voice cracking a bit.
“I love you so much, JJ. I love that you protected me today even though I acted like I didn’t need it. I love that you fought your pain so you could be with me.”
“You caught that, huh?”
“That’s what we do, right? We watch out for each other,” I said simply.
“Yes, we do,” JJ murmured. His lips were against my temple, so when he spoke, it was like he was brushing a kiss over my skin.
“On that roof, you did what I needed you to do. You saved Charlie,” I said. “You knew what needed to be done. I didn’t know how to tell you to do it, but you knew.”
“I killed your grandmother, Cass,” JJ said in a harsh whisper. His reaction didn’t surprise me.
I straightened so I could look him in the eye. “That woman was not my grandmother. I’ve never had a grandmother,” I said firmly. “You took the life of someone who didn’t exist… who never existed. I’m not mourning the loss of her. I’m mourning the loss of everything she took from me. Things I can never have back. People I’ll never know. The truth about so many things that died with her. She couldn’t take you, though. She couldn’t take Charlie. And I hope like hell she didn’t take my father. But no matter what happens, it’s still us. We’re here and we’re still us and always will be. No compartmentalizing, no living lies, no running or escaping.”
JJ’s mouth covered mine. The kiss was sweet and brief, but I’d needed it. Based on the way he was looking at me, he had too.
“Tell me what you know,” I said.
“I can only give you the facts that we know so far. Hopefully we’ll be able to fill in the blanks at some point.”
I nodded in understanding. My father was pretty much the only one who could fill in those blanks, so if he didn’t make it, much of the past would be lost forever. JJ had figured out how to live with the loss of time, so with him by my side, I could figure out how to do the same.