Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
My words knocked him out of his momentary escape from reality. I was treading a fine line between telling him the truth about our previous relationship and letting him remember it on his own.
“Is that one of the questions that torments you?” I asked. “Is it the only one that sends you to places like Tank’s or were there other reasons? Why is it so easy for you to trust that whatever guy is fucking you won’t take it too far and end up killing you, but you don’t trust those closest to you enough to confide in them that you aren’t okay? How many men fucked you without condoms? How many of them put you at risk day after day? Did you trust them?”
I paused briefly to let JJ respond but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on mine, but I could tell he was waging some kind of internal war. He needed to either really hear my words or mentally escape me, and neither side had won out yet.
“I didn’t see a condom on either of the guys who put you on your knees last night so they could fuck you from each end. The guys waiting for their turn had bare dicks, too. They wanted to be able to jerk themselves off as they watched the gangbang play out. Some were probably waiting for their turn, some were probably smart enough not to fuck a guy who could be carrying only God knows what, so they just watched and planned to jerk themselves off while you were taking it from both ends. Maybe the ones waiting in line had condoms in their pockets, maybe they didn’t. I undressed you last night. Not a condom in sight. No lube, either. Most guys probably just spit on their dicks before they shoved them inside you, right?”
I knew I was letting my anger get the better of me, but I couldn’t stop. The image of JJ in that alley had taken over every cell in my body.
“Lube makes it easier on the guy getting fucked but it doesn’t feel as good for the one doing the fucking. And shooting your load into a guy—well, there’s no better feeling, or so I’ve been told, anyway. I’ve never done it that way but since you’ve been bottoming for a while, you can tell me if it feels good to have a stranger’s spunk dripping from your asshole. Actually, with all the loads you’ve taken at one time, I bet it made you come over and over, didn’t it? Or did you not feel anything at all? I guess I’m just confused,” I continued. “You literally put your life at risk with every guy who fucked you and yet you never kissed—”
“Enough!” JJ snapped. He was seething with fury. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he launched himself over the table and pummeled me until I wouldn’t be able to say another word.
“You wanted to know why I was there last night, right?” he spat. “So let’s go back to that. Let’s see, last night…” JJ paused as he pretended to try and remember the events from the previous day. “Well, I guess when this fucker I knew decided it would be fun to play mind games with me, I needed a break from having to think about how badly I wanted to beat the shit out of said fucker.”
“I don’t think that’s what you wanted to do to the fucker,” I said. “I think you were so humiliated and ashamed that you’d let that particular fucker kiss you that you needed to find a different fucker to give you what you wanted. Escape. Peace. How many guys does it take to get those things and how long do those feelings last? Till the next night? Or maybe just for as long as it takes for the train of men to finish with you? Are there enough men on the planet to take your pain away for good, JJ?”
“I don’t know. Am I the only guy you can’t let get away? Am I the only one who makes it easier to forget what it was like being locked in a tiny prison cell with no way out? No way to move freely, make choices for yourself, maintain some shred of dignity in a world designed to take that from you? How many guys’ heads do you need to toy with to find your escape? Your peace?”
“None,” I responded easily. “No man, no person, can give me that. I have to make peace with myself. I have to find a way to stop needing to escape. Believe me, if I could have just left this place and never looked back, I would have done it the second I walked through the first door that turned me from a convict to a free man. There’s no outrunning the shit we’ve both been through. And yes, I know, I deserve all that shit because I brought it on myself,” I said, making sure to say the last line with a heavy dose of sarcasm.