Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 87895 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87895 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“Don’t get this twisted up, Rory. This is why I’m telling you. I held others at bay because I was waiting for the one. You, I met after I had given up hope. You, I tried to keep at a distance because I knew—as fucked up as I was, I knew.”
“Knew what?” I ask him, my lips dry, my heart pounding.
“I knew that I gave up too soon. I let the past change me and I gave up my dream.”
“Noah…”
“Do you know how much that hurt, Rory? How much it burned, that I gave up on what I wanted most, took steps to make sure I never gave another woman my babies and then you showed up?”
“Noah… please, don’t…”
“I fucking gave up and I made sure I’d never have the one thing I always wanted and then I have you in my bed and you in my life and there I was Rory. Falling in love, even when I knew I shouldn’t, even when I knew what a fucker fate was and that I’d never be able to keep you. But I couldn’t stay away and then you hit me with the big one. The one thing I honestly believed wasn’t physically possible. You told me you were pregnant.”
“Noah,” I cry, not wanting to relive the past, not wanting to remember anything about the pain and as bad as it is to acknowledge… Right now, I don’t want to remember anything to do with my child that I lost… The piece of Noah that I will never get back and the piece of myself that I will mourn until the day that I die.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you, Rory. Swear to God, I’m not. But you need to know why I was the way I was. I gave up. I did the one thing I could to protect myself. I had a vasectomy and in doing that, I brought death to my dream. I never planned on you. I was sure you were just a dream I’d never hold. I didn’t think you truly existed, not after everything I had been through.”
My hands come up to hold his, to pull them away from my face. I need to leave. I need to get away. I don’t want to hear this. I just… can’t.
“I don’t want to hear this, Noah. Let me go,” I plead.
He doesn’t listen. Instead, he lays his forehead against mine.
“I was dealing with the fact that I had this woman in my bed, in my life, a woman who was even better than the old dreams I had… I was dealing with the fact that even though I had you, I could never give you my child. That I had killed my dream, that I had given up too fucking soon.”
“God, please stop,” I whisper brokenly, tears falling from my eyes, even though I try to stop them.
“And you tell me that I was wrong, that you are giving me everything. You were giving me my dreams, Rory, when I had just come to terms with the fact that I killed any chance of the life I wanted. When I was just coming to terms that I should just be grateful that Ryan was going to know your love. I had convinced myself that it was enough and you… blew it all to hell.”
“I didn’t lie. I’ve never lied to you! I loved you!” I scream the words at him and they feel like they’re torn from my soul. “I loved you,” I cry, the words so broken they sound tortured. Broken, because that’s what I am now… broken.
“And I love you, Rory. God, I’m a fucking asshole, but I love you and that love terrified me.”
“Are you done now?” I ask, taking gulping breaths in between sobs. I need to run away. I just need to run the fuck away.
“No, baby. When it comes to you, I’ll never be done. I’ll always keep trying, I don’t have a choice. Without you, nothing else matters, Rory.”
“Fine. I understand. I know why you treated me the way you did. I know why you rejected me. You’re forgiven. You can move on with a clear conscious,” I tell him.
“You don’t get it, Gorgeous.”
“Don’t get what?” I ask, suddenly so tired that I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years.
“You’re not a fence I’m trying to mend, Rory. You’re the reason I’m still breathing. You’re everything, Gorgeous. Every. Fucking. Thing.”
39
Diesel
I never meant to bring the conversation to this point, but I’m not sorry I did. I need her to understand. More importantly, I need her to let me back in.
“It’s not all about you, Noah,” she whispers. “I get what you want, I do, but it’s not all about you,” she says again. “I’m not the same. I’ll never be the same.”