Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 96141 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 481(@200wpm)___ 385(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96141 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 481(@200wpm)___ 385(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
“You’re a really nice guy, Marcus,” I started.
His smile faded. “Uh-oh. As much as it sounds like a compliment, that’s never a good line to hear on a date.”
I felt bad, but it was for the best. “I’m sorry. I really am. You’re a great guy who deserves a woman who’s excited to be with you and wants a relationship.”
“And that woman’s not you?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m sorry. It’s not.”
“Is there someone else?”
At least I didn’t have to lie about that. Not in the physical sense anyway. “No.”
Marcus ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay.” He looked down at the ground. “Friends, I guess?”
“I’d like that.” We hugged and said goodbye. Since it was a beautiful day, I decided to walk home to clear my head. I hadn’t had sex in almost two years and just dumped a willing participant because I knew he was interested in more than just sex. I’d rebuked Hunter, who was also a willing participant, because I was afraid I couldn’t keep it to just sex. Basically, I’d just turned down two chances to satisfy my libido because of fear of relationships. At this point, I’d be better off going to a bar, picking up a handsome stranger, and having minimal conversation that could fuck it up before getting to the dirty deed.
***
My mother was relentless when she was on the trail of a fresh bachelor who could possibly give her more grandchildren. But when Mom and my sisters were all on one side, it was more than I could handle. Slipping out to the yard by myself after Sunday night dinner, I sat on the swing on the back deck. I wasn’t surprised when Mom followed me.
“Hey. You don’t seem like yourself tonight.”
“Well, you guys aren’t exactly an easy crowd.”
“We only want what’s best for you.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I know, Mom.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again. Her voice was softer than usual when she started. “I regret never getting married again.”
That caught me by surprise. “You do?”
Mom nodded.
“So why didn’t you?”
“I was afraid to trust anyone. You know the old saying that hindsight is twenty-twenty?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it wasn’t for me. For years I looked back at my relationship with your father for signs that I’d missed. But even in hindsight, I couldn’t see any. Same goes for my friendship with Margie, too. To this day, I don’t know how that woman looked me in the face and never showed any signs that she was sleeping with my husband. I think if I’d been able to see it after the fact, it would’ve been easier for me to trust again. I could’ve chalked it up to missing the signs. But without that, I was afraid I’d be blindsided again.”
I understood that. I’d looked back for signs that Garrett shouldn’t have been trusted a million times—not to mention that I hadn’t seen what’d happened between my parents coming either.
“It’s hard to move on from a mistake without knowing what your mistake was.”
My mother shook her head. “The first step is not thinking it’s your mistake, Natalia. It took me years to stop thinking, if only I’d been thinner, or fixed myself up more before he came home at night, or even been more adventurous in the bedroom, maybe he wouldn’t have cheated. But you know what?”
“What?”
“None of that would have changed anything. Because it was never about me. It was about him—his own inadequacies that made him need to prove something to himself. I was a good wife.”
My chest felt like there was a weight sitting on it. “I’m so sorry he did that to you, Mom.”
She smiled sadly. “Likewise. I hate what Garrett did to you. But the greatest gift a mother can give is teaching her child. I want you to learn from my mistakes, sweetheart. Move on. That’s why I push you so hard to find someone new. When you spend too much time looking back and trying to figure out what went wrong, you’re missing out on moving forward.”
“I just need to focus on my career and Izzy right now, Mom.”
She smiled. “Okay, sweetheart. Whatever you say. Although those things are doing pretty great, if you ask me.”
My sisters blasted through the back door, effectively ending our conversation. But Mom had given me a lot to think about.
She was right that I’d also spent a lot of time focusing on missed signs that my husband wasn’t the man I’d thought he was. Maybe it was time to focus on finding peace with who he is and move on.
But it was easier to admit that I kept people at a distance because I was afraid of getting hurt by the same thing, than to admit I was just afraid of getting hurt.
Chapter 18