Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 105080 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 525(@200wpm)___ 420(@250wpm)___ 350(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 105080 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 525(@200wpm)___ 420(@250wpm)___ 350(@300wpm)
“If you try to make me drink a protein smoothie, I’m never sucking you off again,” West teased the next morning.
“Stop pretending I’m forcing you to eat a certain way. Shut up and sit down. I’ll make pancakes.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “I love getting my way.”
We followed our morning routine, then showered and got dressed. West challenged me to a video game as if he would be able to beat me. I wondered if he was getting tired of this—of just screwing around at my house without seeing anyone else or being able to do anything.
Guilt burned like acid in my gut.
We hadn’t been at it long when my phone chirped from the coffee table, an app alerting me there was motion in front of my house. “Shit. I’ll check. Maybe it’s a delivery person.”
One look out the window told me it wasn’t. I loved my brother, loved how close we were, but right then, the fact that he’d come over without calling was really fucking with me.
“It’s Elias.” I frowned.
“I’ll go to the bedroom.” West stood.
Fuck. Fuck. I hated this. It wasn’t fair. Why in the hell was this so goddamned hard for me? “I’ll try to get rid of him quickly.”
“He’s your brother, Ans. I’m a big boy. I’ll be fine.” West walked over and pressed a quick kiss to my lips before walking out of the room.
The bell rang three times in rapid succession, and then Elias used his key and opened the door.
“What’s up, big brother?”
“Um…hey.” I ran a hand through my hair.
Elias frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Fuck. Because of course he would notice right away. That was Elias. That was us. We knew each other inside and out, yet I’d been lying to him my whole life.
“You’re shaking.” He wheeled over. “Seriously, what the fuck is going on with you?”
My gaze darted toward the hall where West had gone. Elias noticed because he turned toward my room, then looked back at me.
“I don’t get it. There’s nothing there.”
“There was no one to disapprove of me there, no one to disappoint or embarrass.”
“Part of me thought it might somehow make my father love me more…like if I was so far away, he wouldn’t be ashamed of me.”
Was I doing to West what his father did? Making him think I was embarrassed of him, ashamed of him? He’d gone to my room to hide to make it easier for me, the way he’d gone to California to make it easier for his dad.
“Oh God…” I said softly, a hand on my throat. I thought of the look he’d given me, the way he’d watched me at the charity event, how he had to feel. Like he wasn’t good enough. Like I thought what we shared was wrong, but I didn’t, not anymore. Because of him. And while that was true inside me, I wasn’t showing it to West.
I loved him…I fucking loved him, but I was hiding him from my own family. West’s parents had wanted to change him, and now I treated him like a dirty secret too, keeping him from the people who meant the most in the world to me. From my brother.
Football was one thing, or going public, but this was Elias. If I couldn’t tell him, how could I ever expect to have any kind of future with West?
“You’re scaring the shit out of me, man. Your whole body is trembling. Sit down. What the hell is going on?”
When I looked at Elias, he swam in my vision, my tears making him blurry. I was breathing heavily, like I couldn’t catch enough breath, and my heart was pounding, and holy fuck, it felt like what I assumed a panic attack felt like.
I stumbled to the couch like Elias said. He wheeled over beside me and rubbed my back.
“What the fuck is going on? Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. Are you okay? Is it Mom?”
I shook my head, unable to make the words come out, and then I just…tried to let go. “I…I’m… Hold on.” I picked up my phone, opened a text, and typed.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Weston
I was trying hard not to take it personally. Anson was in the closet. I understood what that was like. You couldn’t push anyone to come out before they were ready. It was wrong, hurtful, dangerous. I would never expect him to risk his family or his career for me, but fuck if it didn’t hurt too. Emotions were so confusing sometimes, how you could feel two opposite things. How you could understand something but still be broken by it.
Because I loved him. Because I wanted to be a part of his life in all ways. I wanted to be enough.
I wasn’t in the bedroom long when my phone dinged. It was on the nightstand, and I picked it up to see a message from Anson.