Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 95340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 381(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 381(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
“Can’t I just keep lulling you to sleep with with orgasms?” The big, ogre of a human puts his arm around her shoulder. “The Nutty is harmless, but I get it—he has to go.”
I have to go? Go where!?
Who do these assholes think they’re dealing with?
“This is why we shouldn’t have named him. You think you’re going to be able to whack Nutty? It won’t be that easy—you should have just kept calling him squirrel. Or ‘that little bastard.’”
Who the hell are they talking about? Who the hell is this Nutty character?
“I only named him because I thought it would be funny. I didn’t think it would be an ongoing issue.”
I flatten my ears, determined to put their words out of my mind and continue scampering along the branches, my bushy tail twitching with anticipation, swishing this way and that, trying to get Sheila’s attention.
She’s a toxic bitch but we had a few good times, her and I.
Plus, I have a pile of nuts stashed in her tree hole and I’d like them back…
With keen squirrel eyes, I watch as the human couple strolls beneath the maples that grow between their two lawns, sunlight filtering through the foliage.
Their constant squawking noises woke me from my nap last night—that’s the only reason I gnawed through the wall. The big, grumpy human always sounds like he’s being strangled and in pain and I had to make sure everything was on the up and up.
I hop to another branch.
Then to another tree, following them.
They stand between that maple and he pushes her against its trunk—the trunk where I had squirrel sex with Sandy Cheeks but later found out she let Nibbles Flybender literally bend her over and that was the end of that relationship.
Is it so hard to find love these days?
The humans kiss, their faces pressed together, the big grumpy one has his hands under the girl human’s shirt.
She moans.
My nose twitches. I don’t have time for this—not if I’m going to have another new nest built before the snow starts to fall and my tiny squirrel nuts shrivel from the cold.
The girl house will have to do.
She laughs, running for the house and throws down a bag, chasing after her the way I used to chase Sheila, only this idiot is too slow and she makes it to the house.
I sigh.
Time to get to work.
I jump from the branch, race across the yard, and climb the brick chimney.
No rest for the weary…
The End