Total pages in book: 141
Estimated words: 135831 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 679(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 453(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135831 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 679(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 453(@300wpm)
When we break the kiss, she strokes my beard slowly, like she’s memorizing the feel of me. Maybe confirming I’m really here with her. “And I love you, Max. So much,” she says softly but with the strength too that I know is bone-deep in her. “But there are other things I need to say.”
I give a crisp nod. I didn’t expect to spackle over last night with an I love you and a latte. We need words too. “I’m listening,” I say.
She lets go of my neck then sets her hands on my shoulders, giving herself a little space perhaps to say what needs to be said. “You hurt me last night when you asked if I was using you for a promotion. I hope you know I would never do that.”
“I know,” I say, ashamed I went there.
“That’s not who I am,” she says, as if she’s imploring me to understand. “I would never use you. Everything I feel for you is so real. And trust me, I tried, I really tried, to fight how I was feeling for you.”
A smile tugs at my lips, but I deny it, focusing instead on her. “I know you did, sunshine. I know this isn’t easy for you.”
“Yes, I want the promotion, and yes, I want to be with you. And, like my friend Fable said, both things can be true at once.”
I nod again, because she makes perfect sense. “She’s right.”
“And I didn’t start planning what to say to my boss yet because it’s terrifying,” she says, her tone so vulnerable as she lets me deeper into her heart. “I don’t have any idea how she’s going to respond. I don’t know how they’ll handle it. I don’t know if I’m going to be fired,” she says, desperation coloring her tone, and I hate that dismissal is even a possibility for her. “And that’s why I needed to wait till we got through the last event and dinner. Not because I was putting off this big thing that needs to be done, but because I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with everything that it entails.”
“I get it now. I appreciate you explaining it to me.”
She takes a beat, as if she’s gearing up to say something harder. “Sometimes I do get overwhelmed. Sometimes my mind fixates on the past and what happened three years ago. Sometimes I picture it and remember it so clearly I’m afraid I can’t move forward. That I’m going to be stuck in that night all over again,” she says, and with a deep breath that seems to steady her, she keeps going. “When that happens, I do these grounding exercises to stay in the moment. I haven’t told you about them before because there wasn’t really a need. It’s just something I do in my head. Something I learned about in therapy after the accident. I catalog my surroundings and it helps me stay in the moment so that I don’t get lost in the past.”
My heart aches for her, for all she’s endured, but it also thumps louder and harder over the ways she starts over and how she thrives as she moves past that terrible day. “I hate what you went through—all of it, just all of it. Every single part. But I’m so glad you have these…” I pause, thinking of the best words to use. “Tools. Coping mechanisms. And I love learning all of these details about you—even the ones that are hard for you to share. Maybe especially those. So thank you for telling me that.”
She gives me a soft smile. “I want you to know me. I want us to know each other. And part of why I’m telling you this is that I can’t always plan everything all at once. If I do, I’m going to get overwhelmed with the future too.” Her hands grip my shoulders tighter as she continues, “I’m truly trying to live and make the best decisions I can for each day. That’s the only reason I didn’t make a detailed plan yet. Because I didn’t want to spiral either. But I already submitted a calendar request for Monday morning. That way I can plan what to say over the weekend. I can rehearse it with my friends. And go into the meeting from a position of strength.”
My heart catapults in my chest. “You already requested the meeting?”
“I did it when I woke up.”
“Fuck, I love you,” I say, then I laugh lightly. “Also, I think you’re better at not spiraling than I am.” I reach for her right hand on my shoulder and press a soft kiss to her palm, then I link my fingers through hers. “I love that you told me about what’s going on inside your head. I love understanding you better and knowing you better. You’ve let me in, and I want you to know I’ll do everything I can to support you. And also to listen.”