Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“I realized his mother didn’t seem terribly concerned about having a grandbaby, or maybe she was so wrapped up in grief over the loss of her child, and I so shocked by the news of his death, that we momentarily lost our minds. I got off that phone without leavin’ my name and number, without even saying goodbye. I just hung up. I thought about that after the fact, but I was mighty upset. Not just for me, but for my baby yet to be born. Now, here was the second child I was going to bring into this world without a father. I’d fucked up again. One man was alive, one was dead, but the one living wasn’t doing anything for his daughter, so, he may as well have been in the ground, too.
“I didn’t want to tell Nelson about his daddy because I ain’t want him to be self-conscious. I didn’t want him to feel lesser than. I was afraid of how he’d take it knowing his daddy was gone, and had been a full-blown drug addict. A damn junkie. I ain’t want to tell him we was drunk, and not even in a real relationship when he was conceived. Friends, but no commitment. It sounds bad. Real bad. I was raised better than that.” Mama’s complexion deepened, as if she was living the embarrassment all over again. “I figured if I said nothing at all, he’d be okay. He could make up, in his mind however he wanted about his daddy, you know? He could pretend James was an astronaut, doctor, football player or something… but Nelson eventually just stopped asking me about his father. At the same time, he also stopped looking at me with love and adoration.”
Mama’s voice broke into a million pieces as the tears poured down her cheeks. “It brought all the bad gunk inside of me up to the forefront! The abandonment from my own daddy, Nadia… it felt the same when I found out James had been messin’ with that shit! I felt tricked, just like yo’ daddy had done me. I was confused. Too much had happened. Seein’ my mama get beat up by my daddy when I was a kid! It never left me. James never laid a hand on me… he was kind. He would bring me lunch, stick up for me when some of the guys in our group would act stupid in our company. He had a real good soul… but he left me, Nadia, just like your father did, only in a different way.
“Didn’t matter if he didn’t mean to do it. The results were the same. He wasn’t there for his child. He never got to meet his son, and I now had two children to raise on my own. Nelson looks just like him, too… I saw James every day through our child. He haunts me, but still, it’s like he was never here. A ghost that rides on a washed-out memory. Daddies can walk away, Nadia. Mamas have to stay put. The babies end up growin’ up, and hating the one that stayed. Just the way of the world… just another day in this thang we call life.”
The sprinkler and the garden…
Mama faced her fully, smiling sadly. “I wasn’t the best mother… I know that now. But I tried to do right by y’all, Nadia. I promise I did.”
“And now I understand you better. I admire you so much, Mama. You taught me how to cook a delicious five course meal. You showed me the importance of making my own money to create my financial security. You showed me how to be afraid of the world, and want to rule it at the same time! You are a dynamite woman. You are beautiful. Strong. Capable. We both could have done better. I should have taken accountability earlier for my own choices that I made as an adult. I can’t blame you and my father for everything. That’s not fair. And that’s just reality. You are a tiger in human form, but you had cubs, Mama… If the good Lord’s willing, one day, I will be ninety years old. Even then, at that ripe old age, I will still be your baby—because I will still want my mama!”
And with that, she wrapped her arms around her mother and squeezed all the hurt away…
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Old men & Old bones
Nadia sat beside Lennox in the park, sipping an ice-cold strawberry wine cooler and laughing. Lennox loved the sound of her giggle—music to his ears. After such a hard few months, this was the relaxation and love that he needed. A slight breeze blew as they lounged on a large sky-blue blanket, their bare feet exposed and touching. The blades of grass that surrounded them were soft and fragrant, and he found himself pulling some of them up as they drank their beverages, talked about everything under the sun and moon, kissed and vibed out to music. They were in a remote section of the park, on a hill with a slight incline beneath a large tree that shaded them from the sun. It felt like a private oasis.