Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 74226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Her shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath, which she releases slowly. “It means what I said.”
“You don’t have to be worried that you’re going to hurt my feelings or anything like that. I can handle it. And I should know what… what I’ve done to you.” Damn, that’s hard. Part of me knows it wasn’t me who hurt her, but I don’t want to hide behind that excuse, either. I’m not some pussy who can’t face his mistakes.
Clearly, she doesn’t agree. Her face goes stormy before she drops the fork on the plate, loud enough for the sound to echo. “Don’t say that. Don’t you say that.”
“I’m not supposed to tell the truth?”
“You didn’t do anything! And you know it. Or at least you should by now. Hasn’t the doctor told you that?”
“I know what I know.” The pain on her face kills me. I’m hurting her all over again. But dammit, I’m not going to sit here and pretend. “I’m not saying any of this to upset you. And I’m not saying it so you’ll tell me I’m wrong or anything like that. I’m telling the truth. There might not be a real River, but he’s inside me. He’s part of my mind. So yeah, I did those things.”
“Only because somebody else did even worse things to you when you were too little to handle it. I’m sorry.” She sighs when I roll my eyes. “That’s just the way it is. I love you, and that’s not going to change, and I’m not going to let you punish yourself for something you had no control over.”
“Fine. If none of that was my fault, tell me what River did. What did he say? I mean, you’re not talking about anything I did, right?” Is it shitty to back her into a corner? Probably. But I need to know. Not knowing is much worse.
“He was mean. He said some really mean things.” She spears a piece of chicken and pops it into her mouth, staring at me while she chews. Refusing to look away this time. There. Is that what you wanted to know?
“Like what?”
An invisible wall falls between us. I see it in the way her nostrils flare. The light drains from her eyes before she murmurs, “I don’t want to talk about this. Besides, it’s all in the past now, anyway.” I’ve never seen anybody stab a potato as hard as she does with her fork.
She has a point. Rehashing that shit won’t do anything to change it. And if I had half a fucking brain, I wouldn’t be dredging it up and forcing her to think about it. “I’m sorry,” I offer. Now the sandwich tastes like sawdust, and I’m not hungry for the rest, anyway. But I’d only make her worry if I don’t finish the meal, so I force myself through it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s the least I can do.
Because I owe her so much more. More than I can ever hope to repay. I could live for a hundred years and not come close to balancing the scales.
Besides, who’s to say I won’t do worse things to her in the future? There are no guarantees. I don’t know if I’m going to get better or whether I’ll get worse somehow. What if the doctor unlocks River and the real me never comes back? The worst part is never knowing when it’s going to happen. I only know after the fact when it’s too late to stop myself.
“You shouldn’t come down here anymore.” I slide the plate under the door before standing and replacing the cot in the corner of the cell. “I appreciate it, but it’s not safe. I’m not safe.”
“What are you talking about? Look at me!” she almost barks when I keep my back to her. “Dammit, Ren. Look at me. At least give me that much.”
That’s easy for her to say. She doesn’t know how hard it is to deny her anything when she’s looking at me with those big, innocent eyes.
Eyes that look like they’re starting to well up with tears when I gather up the balls to face her. “I’m not going to let you push me away. Fuck that,” she mutters, trembling. “I am not deserting you.”
“It’s not deserting me if I flat out ask you to stay away.”
“Well, I’m not doing it. I’m coming down here, and you can’t stop me.” She picks up my plate and returns it to the tray before adding her own. “Obviously, you’re not in the mood to talk, and that’s fine. I’ll leave you alone.”
She’s halfway down the hall before she adds, “But I’m coming back tomorrow for breakfast.”
Just like her brother. She always has to have the last word.
14
RIVER
Blood. There’s so much blood. Moments ago, I hoped that the crying would stop, but now the silence is deafening. Now I wish I could hear him cry one more time.