Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 71348 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 357(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 238(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71348 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 357(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 238(@300wpm)
I lean back from Estelle, almost as if I want to escape her sharp words. They weren’t said unkindly, but said so emphatically I can’t help but believe her.
“What if I’m no good at it, though?” I ask on a whispered plea for her to tell me some truth that will make me feel more confident about everything.
She crushes me further by giving me the toughest of love. “You might be bad at it at first. All new mothers have to learn their way. It’s hard, and you’re going to be an emotional mess through it all.”
“You do know you should be trying to convince me to stay involved, right?” I say dryly.
Tilting her head back, Estelle gives a laugh. “Oh, honey… I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You have everything you need to make your decision, and you don’t strike me as the type of woman who is afraid of a challenge.”
“I’m not,” I say a bit too proudly, because now I’m feeling a little foolish for exposing my fears.
“Then what’s the problem?” she asks bluntly.
So bluntly, it pierces my defenses like an arrow slicing through thin air. I blurt out another worry, and then I’m immediately ashamed. “Your son.”
This time, Estelle does blink, but she quickly pulls a mask in place that reflects open curiosity and no condemnation. She silently waits for me to explain.
“He complicates things,” I mutter, feeling horrible to even say that. My eyes drop down to my lap.
“Aha,” she says in a knowing, enlightened way. “You have feelings for Bodie.”
My head raises slowly, my eyes even slower, but I finally look at his mom. “Yeah… and you have to understand, I’ve never had feelings like this before. My entire life I’ve only been responsible for me. I’ve only answered to myself. And it’s one thing for me to commit to a child… there’s something biological and primal at work there. But with Bodie? I’m more scared of that than I am of being a mother.”
Estelle’s eyes grow softly luminescent, and her happiness that there’s someone who cares for her son is obvious. She reaches out and takes my hand. “That I can’t help you with. I’ve only ever loved Geo, so I don’t know much about the game of finding love. Geo was always right there since ninth grade. But I can tell you that when you do find love—true love—it’s about the most wonderful thing in the world.”
“So they say,” I murmur, appreciating that Estelle is pushing the beauty of love rather than the hard work and sacrifice. God knows I’ve got enough of that facing me with a baby on the way.
“Just let it be,” Estelle suggests, and it sounds like sage advice because it’s the easiest thing for me right now. “Just wait and see what happens. If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
Estelle drops my hand and nods at something over my shoulder. I don’t bother looking when she says, “Our menfolk are coming this way, but one last piece of advice, okay?”
I nod quickly.
“Keep your heart open, Rachel. I suspect you’re the type of person who has become so accustomed to being alone that you don’t know how to share it. But if you just keep it open, even a little, to let someone else in, I think you’ll find that the benefits far outweigh the fears.”
I don’t even have time to assure her I’ll take her advice, because a massive purple and white panda bear is dropped from above into my lap. It’s so huge my arms can’t even fit all the way around it. I tip my head way back and see Bodie hovering over me.
“Finally got that damn bear,” he says with a blinding grin.
“How much money did it cost you?” I ask.
“Only seventy-two dollars,” he says with a laugh. “So, you better enjoy it.”
I don’t say it out loud, but I think to myself, This would look awesome in the baby’s nursery.
I also wonder what the nursery would look like. Would we decorate it with cliché or our own personal style?
All questions that lead me to believe that what I thought I wanted when I first found out I was pregnant is not what I want at all right now.
CHAPTER 21
Bodie
I’ve seen some shit in my time as a SEAL and working at Jameson. Bullet wounds, broken bones, guts spilling out. I once saw a man jump off a three-story building and land on his head. It popped like a grape, and brains splattered all over.
Blood and gore never bothered me, but when the doctor pulls a fucking eight-inch-long needle out of its protective wrap, knowing he’s going to stick that in Rachel’s stomach, my knees go a little weak.
I’m standing by the examination table at her side, and my hand blindly reaches out to hers. She gives me a comforting squeeze, and I realize it’s the first time since Rachel and I started on this journey that she’s the one giving me support.