Total pages in book: 46
Estimated words: 44725 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 224(@200wpm)___ 179(@250wpm)___ 149(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 44725 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 224(@200wpm)___ 179(@250wpm)___ 149(@300wpm)
Writing will be easier when I’ve got a desk that overlooks the backyard, when I can look down on the sun-flecked lawn, Zoey and our children playing, swimming in the pool, or simply sitting in the sun. I’ll have all the motivation I need right there.
Finally, she texts back.
She said she wishes she could take it back. She said Dad would hate her if he ever knew what she did. She said a whole bunch of stuff, Jax, but none was specific. Each time she spoke, it was like she was stabbing me in the heart. I know I’ve committed a writer’s sin by being this melodramatic, but I don’t care. That’s how it felt.
You’re angry, I reply, no need to add a question mark.
It’s not fair not knowing what happened between you two. It’s not fair having to imagine what happened. It’s not fair comparing every moment we share to a moment you and Mom shared.
I lean back in my chair, close my eyes, and Luke’s serious face appears. I made a promise to take care of his family.
“Do whatever Mallory needs. Support her in any way you can. Please, bro.”
I didn’t just make a promise to Luke.
How can we go on? Zoey texts when I don’t respond. I can’t sleep with a man my mom slept with. I can’t keep pretending nothing happened. We’re dancing around it, pretending it’s not happening.
It’s difficult, I know.
That’s not much of a response. It IS difficult, but only because you won’t tell me the truth. I asked Mom. She won’t tell me. Maybe she would now when she’s drunk, but that’s not fair, getting information out of her when she won’t even remember giving it to me.
I can’t tell you unless she does, I reply. I made a promise.
You’re putting me in a horrible position.
What position? I type, clenching my jaw, my heart hammering.
Something terrible is about to happen.
The position of having to end this. I don’t want us to stop. I would’ve gone to a hotel with you if Mom hadn’t called tonight. Or your place. I’m not saying I would’ve been everything you deserve, but I would’ve tried… but now? What am I supposed to do? She was crying, begging me for forgiveness for what she did with you.
I stand, leave my office, go onto the balcony, and suck in the cool night air. What was it Peter said? I’m putting duty over desire, but this proves he’s wrong.
We can talk to your mom and get her to reveal the truth.
She won’t. You know she won’t.
We can try.
I’m sorry, Jax. I know you hate when I apologize, but this warrants it. I think we have to stop seeing each other.
Is that what you want?
No.
I stare at her one-word message and the three dots beneath it.
I don’t think we have any other choice, she texts back. I can’t make a real decision if I don’t know what happened. I can’t exist in this dark place anymore. This hurts so much. I DO want you. You could even say I NEED you, Jax, but we have to be mature about this.
You’re just shaken up because your mom…
I leave the message unsent, realizing what I’m doing. I’m devaluing her feelings, trying to convince her to do the wrong thing. She’s determined to do the right thing. Who am I to stop her? I know I can’t go on without her, either.
Is this really what you want to do?
It’s what we have to do. Let’s cool off. Put the brakes on. I’ll try to talk to Mom and get the truth out of her.
And if she won’t tell you? I ask.
Then I guess you’ll have to, or we’ll be forced to go our separate ways.
I pull my hand back reflexively, only realizing what I’m about to do at the last second. I was going to toss my phone off the balcony.
You’re putting me between a rock and a hard place.
I know it’s not fair, but it’s not fair for me to keep going when I don’t know the truth.
She’s right, and maybe this is it. Maybe there’s no other choice.
You tried to keep your distance at the start. Remember the silent treatment?
I was trying to do the right thing, I reply.
That’s exactly what I’m doing.
You’re right, I type, each word hurting me. We shouldn’t be doing this. We should try to be better.
So you agree?
No, I hate this, but I can see the sense in what you’re saying.
Then goodbye, Jax. Maybe one day we’ll look back on this as just some crazy, weird thing we did, a strange adventure we went on together. Even if it didn’t end how we wanted, I’m glad it happened.
Me too, I reply, hating the past, hating this, hating everything. Goodbye, Zoey.
CHAPTER 19
Zoey
Goodbye, Zoey.
How many times have I read those words now? It’s almost been a week since our date when we came close to trying to have sex together. I always think of it as trying since I’ve got the photo of his huge manhood and the knowledge of my virginity, imagining how difficult it would be, but it doesn’t matter now.