Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 71348 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 357(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 238(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71348 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 357(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 238(@300wpm)
For a moment, I’m confused. I expected him to be angry upon learning this, but he just stares at me with open acceptance of my history.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” I say with a sniffle. “I was so afraid it was a bad omen for this pregnancy, and I didn’t want to worry you. But I did tell Dr. Anchors about it.”
“When you asked to speak to him privately on that first visit,” he concludes.
“Yeah. He told me that a single miscarriage does not increase odds of another.”
Bodie gives me a bright smile. “See… nothing to worry about.”
I give a hard shake to my head. “I thought it was my fault. Still do to some extent even though doctors—Dr. Anchors included—have told me it wasn’t.”
“Why would you think it was?”
I take another deep breath. “I was living wild and dangerous. Doing stupid shit. I had just jumped off a tower in China and then miscarried later that day. I didn’t even know I was pregnant.”
“Jesus,” Bodie murmurs, and then he’s scooping me up out of the chair. I don’t protest. I’m not sure if it makes me weak or not, but I lay my head on his shoulder while he carries me into the living room.
He drops down onto the couch, keeping me on his lap. He cradles me like a child, and fresh tears swamp my eyes.
“Rachel?” Bodie murmurs with a question implicit in his tone. “Did the father of the child make you feel like it was your fault or something?”
I shake my head, giving an involuntarily sniffle. “He didn’t even know. I wasn’t with him all that long, and we broke up before for unrelated things.”
“Okay,” he says with relief, assured that some other asshole hadn’t put those thoughts in my head.
It’s so very strange. I know without a doubt had I miscarried today, Bodie would have never made me feel like shit. He told me it would all be okay no matter what, and built within that statement is a deep trust I have in him that it would—eventually—be okay.
He was so amazing today. Putting aside his own fears to be strong for me. To help make me strong.
No one has ever done that for me before.
“I’ve never been in a serious relationship before,” I tell him while pressing my cheek to his chest. His one arm supports my back, the other stroking my thigh in a calming way. “I’ve never been good on committing to a person. Accepting the responsibility that comes with such a commitment.”
“Think I figured that one out on my own,” Bodie says dryly, and it makes me chuckle.
“It’s why I don’t think I’d be a good mom,” I admit softly.
Bodie’s entire body jerks and he rears back so he can look down at me. I tilt my face up to his, surprised to see anger there. “Just because you’ve never been in love with a man before doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love your child, Rachel. Those are two totally separate things.”
“I was so scared this morning when I saw that blood,” I admit. I lay it all out. “I didn’t want to lose this baby. I don’t know what that means. It’s contrary to what I thought I wanted.”
Bodie adjusts his body, shifting me slightly on his lap so we can look directly at each other. His eyes roam over my face for a moment, as if he’s collecting the right words to say. Finally… when he says them… they hit me hard.
“Rachel… perhaps you need to give motherhood a try. I’d be here to help you out. We could do this as a team. I’m afraid if you don’t, you are going to have regrets later that could potentially destroy you. And I don’t want to see that happen. More importantly, I think you would be a fantastic mother. Our child will lose so much without you in its life.”
I wait for that inevitable wall to slam into place, protecting me from everything that is hard and unbearable. Yet, it doesn’t come. Instead, all I can really focus on is a low-level fear deep in my belly that something is wrong with the pregnancy.
The fear causes me to feel cold from the inside out, thinking about losing this baby.
“What would that mean?” I ask curiously. “Raising the baby as a team, I mean?”
Bodie shrugs. “We’d have to talk about it. Live together to make things easier? Live apart? Split custody? We definitely couldn’t go on any ops or details together ever again. And we’d need to make sure not to go on separate ones at the same time.”
That all makes sense, but that’s not really satisfying my need for answers. I guess what I really want to know is what it means for us personally. Because if Bodie was going to leave with the baby to go home to Nebraska, that meant our relationship was over. But if he stays here, and we make a go at this co-parenting thing, that means that maybe we aren’t over.